REFLECTIONS

I made a very insignificant change last week in my move towards being The Other Woman. I changed my morning coffee cup from a huge pink mug with an unattractive lady moose in curlers and a housecoat gracing the front, to a pretty green cup. I thought such a small move would do nothing internally, but seemed like an obvious place to begin. First cup of the day, make it pretty. But the impact of this move has been very noticeable to me.

This insignificant shift has left me feeling slightly vulnerable, more exposed. I feel less certain as I go through my days. I feel people are talking about me, judging me, laughing at me.

Logically I know this is not true, because no one knows I have done this. So the voices of ridicule live in me. The voices demand I stay as I am, stay where I belong, stay in the comfort of the known.

In just trying the most innocuous of moves towards embodying The Other Woman, I am agitated. I feel dishonest, as though I am  putting myself above my station.

I belong in the ‘not pretty’ category of women. I am comfortable looking in the mirror and seeing someone who is not pretty. I have never called myself pretty no matter how I may have been described by others. Objectively, I am sure I would be considered pretty, but that intellectual piece of knowledge, does not influence what I ‘see’ when I look in a mirror.

Because I feel The Other Woman believes she is pretty, moving one step into her world, creates COGNITIVE DISSONANCE. I learned this phrase in Psyche 100, back when I was 18, and now I am experiencing the sensation. Cognitive Dissonance is the discomfort created by holding conflicting perceptions simultaneously.

I am not pretty but this is a cup that a pretty woman would use.

ASPIRATIONS FOR WEEK 2 of 52

CHANGING MY PYJAMA STYLE

This week I am going to give up, once and for all time, my ugly pyjamas. I know I will find this hard, and it has nothing to do with the physical comfort of the change. It’s not as if I’ve been wearing 100% cotton and am now converting to  rayon or silk where one quick move might have you slipping off the bed onto the floor. Nor is there any scratchy lace.

The new pyjamas are 100% cotton .

So where is my anxiety coming from? Could it be that the new pyjamas are so pretty and I don’t feel pretty.

I think my comfort with the old get-up, comes from its unattractiveness. It matches how I feel when I am being honest with myself. I have always maintained that it is the comfort of the big Lakers shirt that is so appealing, but that is not really true.

I have owned and worn more attractive sleepwear over the years, but to be honest, they never last. They get shoved to the back of my drawer as I greet the night donning my ancient Gap bottoms and my Laker waffle top.

I suspect it will be easier to wear the pretty Pyjamas when I am at a hotel or staying with friends, than at home where I am most honest with who I am.

I now have a big pile of old worn Gap pyjama sets ready for recycling.

I have bought 3 new sets of pyjamas.

So for the next 51 weeks of this transformation I will wear pretty pyjamas.

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