Archives for the month of: January, 2013
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Week 30 of 52 Changing From Nag Hag to Self-Determining

January 28, 2013 //
2

This was another of our fears: that Life wouldn’t turn out to be like Literature. (or People Magazine)

Julian Barnes-Sense of an Ending

REFLECTIONS

No doubt, I am more comfortable being zaftig! 

Woman With Cat by Marie Fox
Book by Edward St. Paige

Last week’s post…debunking the myth of thin…created such anxiety that I did something I have not done in years. I bought a People Magazine and 2 of my favourite chocolate bars…simultaneously..never a good sign. In my attempt to dislodge the internalized belief that being thin solves all problems, I fell back into the illusory comfort of old habits. I found myself at the checkout stand, transfixed by air-brushed faces and bodies, fantasizing about movie sets, kisses from handsome leading men and living the ‘perfect’ life as a thin person…this soothing Utopian reverie begged to be continued, so I grabbed Jennifer Lopez’s latest cover spread, and plunked it down, right on top of my kale and swiss chard. Upon noticing an unacceptable gap in my grocery items, I asked the man behind me to ‘hang on’ while I frenziedly raced down the aisles on a quest for Green and Black’s 100 gram Almond Bars. Spiritual quest long forgotten, I was headed into regression…Thin IS in…stop trying to burst my long held belief system Between2Marys…

I Do Have Regrets!
I Do Have Regrets!
Yummmmm….

Sneaking my cache of mind numbing, soul destroying items past my nephew, and into my bedroom/writer’s haven/den of iniquity, turned me into James Bond. Crouched low, items tucked under my arm, I slunk out of the kitchen, swivelling my neck quickly to the left and then to the right being certain the coast was clear. Once a clear path was ascertained, I skulked down the hall and quietly shut my door. Chocolate and wine on my bedside table… JLo smiling up at me… I was set. I sighed with the knowledge that the next hour would be full of the magic of escapism at its finest.

Post Escapism Reckonings

Fresh off my sugar high and a little bit tipsy, but fully informed on JLo, I wondered why  I was afraid to debunk the ‘thin is power’ myth. Perhaps it was the rising fear I felt, knowing I would have to weather the discomfort of the void that is always created between letting go of a decades held cultural ‘truism’ and the formation of a new belief system…one that arises from within me, the newly awakening zaftig woman! Just like the anxiety that engulfs one’s stomach, when stepping from a train, over the emptiness of the dark rails beneath the platform, to solid, new ground, we all fear this gap. What if I loose my step and slip into the void, never to see the light of day!(translation: end up in an all white padded room receiving shock therapy)

The Void between the Known and Unknown

The Void between the Known and Unknown

 I’ve been here before. Most recently in letting go of my marriage. I felt intense fear when I walked away. What I had was not fulfilling, but it was better than absolute nothing…my fear of being alone was so palpable that I vacillated on making the decision for years. Personal growth never stops, and facing the void between the old and the new is still scary, but I have done this enough times now to have absolute faith that there ALWAYS is a safe platform on which to land. 

Confessions of a Nag Hag 

I wanted to believe that in being thin I would be in control. Controlling my body guaranteed control of my life. In being thin, the epitome of society’s muse, I would be so alluring to men, that I would be in control in the relationship, ensuring I would not be hurt. I think people attempt control of everyone and everything, not out of evil, but due to fear…fear of the unexpected…the unknown. In the rigidity that ensues from attempts at control, I assumed I would avoid being hurt, disappointed or betrayed. Intellectually I know this is not true…control of anything and anyone is an illusion…I can work towards fulfilling an intention, but outcome is determined by a myriad of variables. Trying to control people, including a man who may find me attractive, would be against his natural need to be self-determining, thus creating a dispirited man who responds by:

a)working very long hours

b)never loading the dishwasher adhering to the prescribed(by me)protocol

c)developing intermittent hearing loss ie. whenever I speak

d)surreptitiously glancing at EVERY attractive female…an action known to be my achilles heel

My Theory on Creating a Nag Hag

1.Obsessively, I attempt to elicit attention from my husband, by trying to be what I THINK he desires in a woman. I compulsively ask him how he is feeling…meaning how is he feeling about ME. Under my intense scrutiny of his every movement and emotion, he withdraws in near imperceptible increments(hoping I won’t notice and ‘start up’ my tirade) until our communication is reduced to 4 word texts.

2.His perceptible withdrawal makes me even more bitter and indignant. After all I’ve given him, contorting my mind, body and soul in an effort to please him…he has the nerve to withdraw…making me even more angry, yet determined to try harder to please him.    TaDAH!!  The Uber Nag Hag is born!

My NagHag antics and his withdrawal left us both dispirited. Not only did my body and personality contortions fail to elicit the desired attention from my husband, in the process of being someone externally defined, I undermined my self-confidence, my self-direction, and my self-determination. I will never feel fulfilled until I have the courage to give voice to my own desires, and then allow a man to choose to fulfill them.

Nag Hag
Woman Invaded by Nag Hag
Nag Hag

ASPIRATIONS FOR WEEK 30 OF 52

CHANGING FROM NAGHAG TO SELF-DETERMINING

I have had fun writing this week’s post. I feel clearer on my part in the dissolution of my marriage. It is so easy to blame the person who ‘acts out’, who breaks the marriage vows, as my husband did, but a marriage is a dynamic, and true healing, for both of us, can only occur when I recognize and acknowledge the part I played. So for Week 30 of 52, I will continue to give voice to my desires, having faith that in this world of abundance, I will find fulfillment!

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Categories Self Determining, the other woman, transformation, Wild Instinctual Woman

Week 29 of 52 Changing the Thin Myth

January 21, 2013 //
1

“For too many centuries women have been being muses to artists. I wanted to be the muse, I wanted to be the wife of the artist, but I was really trying to avoid the final issue — that I had to do the job myself.”

― Anaïs Nin

REFLECTIONS

When a culture defines the ideal woman in relation to how men react in her presence, it leaves a woman more interested in her reflection than her heart’s desire.

How Am I Perceived?
Am I Lovable?
Under the Gaze of Men
Self-Conscious Beauty

This thought has been formulating for months as I wrestled with the history of my interactions with men. I’ve rewritten today’s post several times, as I struggled to uncover and then articulate some very embedded notions to which I have adhered, concerning females and their perceived success. This discussion necessitates an examination of the interplay between power and beauty, between being desirable rather than being known and loved.

BODY DYSMORPHIA-IMAGINED UGLINESS

I have observed in myself and most women that I know, a disparity between how we appear to others and how we feel about our selves, deep inside. When I look back at photos of myself, whether I’m in my 20’s, 30’s or 40’s, I see an attractive woman…but in those decades I never, ever feel pretty enough, thin enough or demure enough. In sharp contrast,  I always felt intelligent enough and successful enough. I had a very realistic grasp of my intellectual strengths and weaknesses and made career choices based on this knowledge. Why did I have intense self-consciousness and NO objectivity around my appearance? How is it that the feminist movement did not result in giving women freedom from obsessive attention to their looks? Women now have 3 areas to master…career, family and being thin.

Imagined Ugliness
Imagined Ugliness
Imagined Ugliness

ANOREXIC WOMAN-CHILD

I know the media plays a part by bombarding our senses with the anorexic woman-child, but I willingly participated. I remember making the conscious choice, as a ‘liberated woman’ to compliment my daughters on their intelligence and achievements, rather than their looks. This should have created young girls who found power in their own actions, but they observed me, their primary role model, spending significant time and money going to the gym, Weight Watchers, hair salons, beauty spas and cosmetic counters. Obviously children internalize the unspoken, the unwritten …the unconscious! I may have said “Follow your dreams. You can be anything you desire,” but the unspoken message was… as long as you are thin…because real feminine power resides in mastering your image…in controlling yourself so you will be desirable. Sure we have some examples of successful women who are not razor thin, like Oprah, but to be put on magazine covers, ad infinitum, you have to be thin. No wonder Oprah published her ‘O’wn magazine! Mirrors and cameras create an insidious, pervasive obsession with thinness, which leaves women less able to recognize their own desires.

Express Yourself O
Women’s Health-Loose More Fat
Notice the Food Never Enters Her Mouth!
Never Too Thin

EVALUATIONS BASED ON HOW ONE LOOKS

When I went on a raw food diet, in 2007, to alkalize my acidic body, I lost 50 pounds. Each time people saw me, their first words always were… “Oh, you’ve lost weight!” followed quickly by “How did you do it?”…from both men and women!  And no, I did not feel thin or pretty. One can only imagine then, me being a woman who is perpetually up and down the weight ladder, that when I had gained weight, their inner comments must have been, “Oh my God, she’s put on a few!” Our adherence to this societal ideal is so unconscious that we never question its ludicrousness. I paid lip service to the adage that being healthy is best, and all body types were equally beautiful, but in a politically correct world, what we think we should say is often not what we truly believe.

THE MUSE IN RELATIONSHIPS

I’ve spent the past 6 months in The Other Woman Blog, acknowledging a lifetime of insecurities, weaknesses and mis-steps, in hopes that I might uncover the part I played in having less than fulfilling relationships with men. I never realized the imprisoning consequences of desiring to be desired. In my 20’s, I was quite comfortable in the role of muse with men. I perfected the muse’s attributes in my first long term relationship. I was self-effacing, demure and attentive, while being oblivious to my own needs as a young woman. My desire to be desired was totally satisfied by the older, wealthy man with whom I was involved. But then I spent the next several years becoming educated and more comfortable in the world. This feminine passivity began to conflict with my need to be more self-determining. Unable though, to untangle this feminine issue, I ignored it while continuing to believe my unhappiness and lack of fulfilment were somehow connected to my less than perfect body. As though to make a cosmic point, my body became more and more disfigured with arthritis, eventually forcing me to unravel the Beauty Myth, and accept that I must become self-determining.

ASPIRATIONS FOR WEEK 29 OF 52

CHANGING THE THIN MYTH

As I begin to live my life from an authentic place, I feel quite confident and certain of my desires until I am out with a man. My role as muse is no longer an attractive option, but having only ever known how to relate to men from this vantage point, I sometimes find myself acting awkward and stilted. I navigated these waters successfully as a passive, self-effacing woman, but I’m at a loss in this new terrain. I’ve been watching French Movies to observe women being strong in the expression of their needs, wants and desires, as they interact with men.

So for Week 29 of 52, and the rest of the year, I will voice my desires, having faith that in doing so, I am not being pushy or demanding.

Sharing My Heart's Desires

Sharing My Heart’s Desires

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Categories Self Determining, the other woman, transformation

Week 28 of 52 Changing My Perception of Ideal Family Love

January 14, 2013 //
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“The garden of leaflessness: who dares to say that it isn’t beautiful?”

Iranian poet Mehdi Akhavān Sāles

REFLECTIONS

This post is dedicated to my nephew!

My love affair with fictional detectives seems to be over. Until very recently, and for decades, I have been mesmerized and transfixed by the antics of detectives. Now, whether reading or viewing, I fall asleep. The ending of any love affair compels one to analyze the arc of its life.

 My enchantment began when I was 7, with ‘The Secret World of Og”. This book launched my fascination(possible compulsion), with detectives and their ability to uncover the truth. I wonder if others know these characters as well as I do… Trixie Beldon, Nancy Drew, Miss Marple, Hercule Poirot, DCI Wexford and Dalgleish, Inspectors Morse, Lewis and Lynley?

Trixie Belden
Miss Marple
Inspectors Morse and Lewis
Hercule Poirot
Sherlock Holmes
Nancy Drew

This cadre of detectives is brilliant, witty and perspicacious! In their efforts to solve what are known in the publishing world as ‘cozy crimes’, they display an uncompromising morality. Primarily motivated by a commitment to the truth, they use a complex process that combines logic and astute observation with intuition and instinct, while maintaining a sense of humour. My deep devotion to the genre no doubt resided in my need for role models, whose raison d’être, was the truth. I don’t think it was unusual that I focussed on such types, from an early age. Children have an innate sense of justice and  abhor the ‘bill of goods’ parents try to sell them. My parents, like most, justified their harsh punishment and high expectations of us by uttering the usual rhetoric …”We know best.” and “It’s for your own good.” Clearly neither was true, but my opinion wasn’t solicited. And I was far too afraid to be defiant, as the consequences were dire. But one of my brothers, being the precocious middle child, felt compelled to share his unsolicited views, and was cruelly beaten. I still am brought to tears by these memories. Hitting a child is never justifiable.

I have spent my life on a mission to discover the mystery of family love. Just like any eccentric detective, I’ve poked around in the detritus of family life, hoping that through an examination of broken promises, heavy hearts and discarded dreams, I might find the clue to explain the survival of its love. Familial love endures the harshest of realities, even though this love may not be easily expressed. But begin the arduous task of truth seeking, and a spark of love will be ignited into a flame…no different than the power of a tiny ember regenerating the life of a dying log.  The seed for this unassailable truth was planted a year ago when I saw a luminous vision in New Orleans, a city ripe with the imagery of life and death.

Saint Louis Cathedral New Orleans

Saint Louis Cathedral New Orleans

This arresting image, has two notable themes for me.

Firstly, I have come to believe that even in the darkest of nights, there is still the light of the moon to guide my way. I am never entirely alone… symbolized by the statue’s brilliance in the dark.

Secondly, I found Christ’s open arms, mysteriously compelling. Only now do I understand its significance. I have always been an idealist, demanding life and those in it, function at the highest level, in a state of perfection. But Christ’s gesture of surrender, can also be interpreted to mean the necessity of holding both the dark and the light in balance….good and bad, joyful and miserable, love and hate…withstanding the tension created when simultaneously holding both positive and negative emotions for all situations. It may seem trite to say that a family always has both, but to an idealist, it’s a revelation! As much as I wanted my parents to ‘come clean’ and admit their failings, I perpetuated the family myth of perfection, by demanding it of myself, my children, my husband(s) and my friends. 

I’ve come to realize the power of the confessional. In it lies the secret to fanning the flame of love, for oneself and for others. Only through the experience of my confessional, The Other Woman Blog, where I have openly admitted  my frailties, my faults, my dreams and my desires, have I come to accept, as true, that love flourishes between people when we present ourselves as humans, not demigods. I now embrace the sententious moralizing thrown at me over the years…”Life’s not just a bowl of cherries, sometimes you find yourself in the pits.” Life is simultaneously cherries and pits! Love is simultaneously fulfilling and excruciating. Family provides simultaneously the best and the worst of times!

Below is the collage I have been working on for the past week.

Balancing Death and Life

Balancing Death and Life

ASPIRATIONS FOR WEEK 28 OF 52 

CHANGING MY PERCEPTION OF IDEAL FAMILY LOVE

SCIENTIFIC SUPPORT FOR ABOVE THEORY

Studies done by the Psychologist, H.E. Hershfield, counter the long held belief that negative emotions are linked to increased risk for illness, while positive emotion leads to health and longevity. His 10 year study reports that the greater the frequency of people’s mixed emotional experiences over time, the slower their age-related health declined. Every situation has both positive and negative aspects. Identify any situation, extremely positive or negative, and a balancing reality can also be named…the birth of a long awaited child is balanced by sleepless nights…my near death infection was balanced by my move to consciousness…infidelity in my marriage…what I’ve learned will take an entire post!

Choosing to suppress, ignore or deny negative experiences and emotion, rather than express them, acting as though everything is fine, is not only unhealthy, but it limits the flow of love. Like breathing, that is as much an inward motion as an outward expression, love flourishes in our humanity, in our dark characteristics as much as our light, not in an idealized state of perfection.

So for Week 28 of 52, I will embrace the duality of life.

Christ of the Deep - Key Largo

Christ of the Deep – Key Largo

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Categories childhood, Conscious Creativity, Creative Expression, Finding your Voice, love, Self Determining, the other woman, Wild Instinctual Woman

Week 27 of 52 Changing From Loneliness to Solitude-Climbing My Everest

January 7, 2013 //
0

“Loneliness is the poverty of self; solitude is richness of self.”
― May Sarton

REFLECTIONS

Today will bring my 10 days of silence to an end. I hadn’t planned this silent retreat, but after a week of ignoring the phone, emails, requests to ‘meet up’ on Plenty of Fish etc., I began to accept that I was choosing solitude. At first I thought this was just a reaction to a very socially active fall and Christmas, but when days of silence were followed by more days, the significance of this experience came clear. After 7 years, I had finally conquered my 2 phobias…Monophobia and Noctiphobia…meaning I was now able to experience the inexplicable joy of being alone in solitude during the day, coupled with a peaceful sleep at night, alone in my bed, without a companion…be it a man, the voice of a man delivered through an audio tape, food, or a knife.(for intruders)

I used to be a person that never spent time alone…ever. Whether day or night, I was invariably in the company of others, be it family members, friends, colleagues or fictitious characters from books and movies. I left home at 19 and moved into Staff Housing of The Banff Springs Hotel for my year away from University.

Banff Springs Hotel

Banff Springs Hotel

 

Upon my return to my parents, I learned of their plan for a 2 month holiday in celebration of the resuscitation of their marriage. My response was to move in with my boyfriend. I never thought of myself as someone who feared being alone, but in retrospect, I had moved from childhood home to Staff Housing to boyfriend, to marriage to the ultimate solution to never having to be alone…children! In 50 years, I don’t think I had spent a single night by myself! I was unaware of my fear, because I had managed to avoid confronting it. Herein lies the challenge with phobias and fears. In general we are unaware of having them simply because we design our lives in ways that keep us well clear of even a chance encounter. Say for example you are Glossophobic, well you just refrain from speaking in public. Or if you are Xenophobic, you avoid travel to foreign lands. If asked if I was afraid of being alone, I would have scoffed at such a preposterous idea, and responded with how much I loved being with people. No argument is tighter than that of a person protecting their fear.

But my unconscious desire to live a more personally satisfying life, kept prodding me to ‘wake up’. One of the most potent nudges came from my dream content. Countless dreams had me dwelling in houses that were obviously restrictive; rooms without windows or houses with staircases that went nowhere or derelict homes with no foundations. Dream images of houses are a symbolic representation of the psychological space we inhabit, our true sense of how we feel in our inner life. Try as I might to ignore this deep desire to redefine my psychological space…this sense of myself…my unconscious continued to bombard me with these images. I eventually began to accept that I did feel confined and dissociated from the real me. I had to admit that the beautiful accoutrements of my external life hid the barrenness, the vacuousness of my inner life.

Imprisonment of the Soul

To bring about real change, though, it meant I would have to undergo a cataclysmic upheaval. The adult self is a stable, perdurable entity by necessity, or emotional/mental breakdowns would occur regularly.  The image that I had created to represent me had to be dismantled, persona by persona, releasing instead, the authentic me. I began with digging deep into Mother Earth.

Image from My Dream Journal-breaking down the walls of resistance

Image from My Dream Journal-breaking down the walls of resistance

I began small, in 2004, with a room of my own in the basement of our family home. Alone in this space, inner chaos opened up within me. I felt disturbed, bewildered and so fragile at times that I was afraid I’d have a nervous breakdown. Shutting out the distractions of family, friends and the incessant busyness of any woman’s life, allowed all of my inner doubts, anxieties, fears, painful memories, unresolved conflicts, angry and resentful feelings and impulsive/compulsive desires to manifest. No wonder we try to hold down the lid to Pandora’s Box. In fact, to stay in this inner chaos and not immediately retreat to the familiar, yet unsatisfying outer life, takes extreme discipline. My herbalist/healer, Annette, asked a group of us if we were flirting, dating or in a committed marriage with our personal growth!

Opening Pandora’s Box
Opening Pandora’s Box
Opening Pandora’s Box
Opening Pandora’s Box

ASPIRATIONS FOR WEEK 27 OF 52

CHANGING FROM LONELINESS TO SOLITUDE-CLIMBING MY EVEREST

In this week’s post, I am celebrating my successful climb from the despair of loneliness to the bliss of solitude. This Spiritual Journey required that I become utterly alone and withdrawn into my innermost self. I had to endure long periods of bitter suffering. But now I have the strength to  stand amidst a throng of people, staying true to who I am and what I believe. I know this is not the BOX I ticked when sitting with a career counsellor in University, but to be honest, if that box had been available, I would have chosen it. I suppose a Degree in Psychology/Philosophy was the University’s version of a spiritual quest!

So now I sit alone, in my seaside cottage, 2 finger tap tapping my experiences through The Other Woman Blog! I will share some images of what I’ve seen out my window.

A View from My Room
A View from My Room
A View from My Room
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Categories Conscious Creativity, Creative Expression, Finding your Voice, love, Self Determining, the other woman, transformation
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