Week 16 of 52 Changing From Being the Object of a Man’s Desire

October 22, 2012 //
0

“The most courageous act is still to think for yourself. Aloud.”

― Coco Chanel

REFLECTIONS:

Thank God for this Blogmoir. It became readily apparent to me over the course of this week that I would never have taken a step away from the comfort of Mother Mary towards Mary Magdalene, if I had not committed to it in Week 15’s post. In rereading Week 15, I nearly fell asleep… it was so wordy…full of intellectualizing gobbledygook. Obviously I’m more comfortable talking about becoming The Other Woman than being her.

Here is a quick synopsis of my progression towards my first virtual chat with a new man!

On Wednesday, the day I arrived back home in BC,  I chose a dating Website. The light and humorous site, Plenty of Fish had an appealing ring. I didn’t want a site that cost money or sounded too serious. On Thursday I began to fill out the questionnaire…where do I live,what is my age, ethnicity and hair colour…irrefutable facts… but then I stopped. I shut down my computer when I was required to create a minimum 100 word profile describing myself and my desires. Before I could do this I had to have a little cry and admit that this meant I was moving away from the dream of spending the rest of my life with ‘He Who Will Remain Nameless’. I felt defeated, as though I had received a failing grade in my ability to elicit love from the man I love.

Eventually though, I had an epiphany…I recalled a 15th Century Arthurian Ballad read to me by my analyst in 2005, called Sir Gawain and the Lady Ragnell. To save his life, King Arthur must be able to articulate “The one thing all women most desire.” A wonderful story unfolds, ending with King Arthur and Sir Gawain realizing that women want, above all else, sovereignty over their own life …the freedom to be self-determining. Taking this 500 year old advice, I too can be self determining. I now have the opportunity to arrange my life with my likes and dislikes at the forefront. For example, I can clearly voice my desire to be loved, and then find a man who willingly wants to fulfill this desire. It will no longer be enough for me to fulfill his desires, if mine are deemed less important, and remain unfulfilled.

15th Century Text from Bodleian Library-Oxford

Sir Gawain and The Lady Ragnell-The Loathly Lady

This version of the tale is not the best but it gives you a quick synopsis.  http://www.silver-branch.org/ssbcreations/GawainLL.html

In the past I attempted to compile an itemized list of men’s needs and desires, based on societal norms of desirability(tall, emaciated with a vapid expression)coupled with the characteristics gleaned from a close scrutiny of the man I was attempting to entice. I surreptitiously noted female traits that ‘he’ reacted to, and attempted to transmogrify into this bizarre creation. In a patriarchal society, women’s desires are often cloaked in niceties or seductions. My requests of men were prefaced by the placating “Would it be okay with you if I…” or ” When you get a minute, it would be so nice if you…”

Emaciated and Vacant-the Price of being Society’s Muse

Although unaware of this, I must have felt my needs and desires were onerous, unpleasant and/or unimportant vis a vis the man’s. As asking for what I wanted seemed forward and therefore unladylike, I hoped men would intuit what I needed, just as I intuited their needs. Feeling perilously unfulfilled by men throughout my life, leads me to believe that the men I knew either lacked intuitiveness or believed the fulfillment of my needs was not their responsibility!

Once this revelation was upon me,  I put on my new lipstick, drank a cup of tea from my pretty cup, and began to write about myself and my desires…boldly and from my heart. I did not deemphasize or devalue my intelligence nor my interests. I actually said that although I find people intriguing, I enjoy spending time with those who are self aware!. My closing statement of desire says…I would love to spend time with a man who has enough time and resources to share in some of my passions and introduce me to some of his!

REACTIONS FROM  the first 3 MEN using Goldilocks’s Scale

#1 TOO HOT  “Would you like to meet for lunch tomorrow (Sunday) in Qualicum? Afterwards, there is a piano concert there (Debussy, sp.?), but I don’t know how many tickets remain. It’s at The Old School House at 2:30 p.m. We could have lunch before the concert.”

#2 TOO COLD “BORING”

#3 JUST RIGHT  “Welcome to the Island!!! I live in the Comox Valley just north of you. Quaint little spot…Bowser. I know it fairly well and have friends living there. Also, welcome to POF…not as easy as it looks…Should you see anything in my profile that resonates with you I’d love to hear from you and if not…wishing you much success on your fishing expedition!!!”

ASPIRATIONS FOR WEEK 16 OF 52

CHANGING FROM BEING THE OBJECT OF A MAN’S DESIRE

I felt both empowered and vulnerable in clearly describing some of my strengths and desires. The virtual world is a perfect place to begin the practice of being myself. Face to face I might be tempted to put his needs first, the second I noticed his interest wan. Or I might be tempted to shift my opinion, ever so slightly, if I felt what I’d said hadn’t resonated with him.

In these efforts to please myself, I must be strong enough to be rejected(90 men looked at my profile 10 responded)…to be told I am ‘BORING’ and still be confident enough to CONTINUE being me.To not be tempted to read any man’s interests and tweak mine a tad in hopes of attracting him!

I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS IS HOW I HAVE LIVED MY LIFE WITH MEN

So for Week 16 of 52, I will state my desires in a straightforward and direct manner, so that I will be known for who I truly am. I will stop being the object of any man’s desires and instead find a mutually agreed upon meeting ground for our minds and hearts.

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Categories Jungian Analysis, love, Mary Magdalene, Self Determining, the other woman, transformation

Week 15 of 52 Changing from Mother Mary to Mary Magdalene

October 15, 2012 //
3

REFLECTIONS

This morning my plan had been to write as soon as I woke up. But first, like most writers, I cleaned a fairly clean room and then I sorted some drawers and files…then I procrastinated some more by reading quotes about procrastination.

“As a writer, I need an enormous amount of time alone. Writing is 90 percent procrastination: reading magazines, eating cereal out of the box, watching infomercials. It’s a matter of doing everything you can to avoid writing, until it is about four in the morning and you reach the point where you have to write.” ― Paul Rudnick

After reading this, I gave into the mood 100% and descended into time waster’s hell…British Mystery Series. In my attempt to download Blue Murder from a ‘legal’ site, my computer froze on a pornography pop-up. This has never happened in the countless times I have used ____.com to watch British Mysteries(a fabulous life sucking, soul shrivelling site that will not be named).

Incredulous Me

In the 45 minutes it took me to wrestle my computer out of the hands of this Porn Industry computer hacker, I had a transformative experience with the naked young girl posing on my screen. Here she was, the other woman, entering my life, uninvited yet again!  My first reaction was anger and judgement after a furtive glance at her body. I mentally chastised her for luring men away from decent women. And I think I am enlightened and compassionate. I took a deep cleansing breath, and worked my way off my self righteous pedestal. I looked at her again, searching her eyes, to see her for the person she is…to stop my objectification of her. I then experienced a transformative shift. I felt a surge of compassion well up in my heart for this sad-eyed, young girl who believed that this job was her only option. That her only talent was her willingness to let others use her for their gratification.

Once again, fate intervened and my post was jettisoned in a surprising direction. The most uncomfortable of subjects…sex… Argh. Too personal, too confusing… I think I’ll get me to a Nunnery…But before I go, I will try to unravel some of the complexity around women and sexuality…the whore/madonna complex.

If I intend to be embody The Other Woman, I must attempt to end my androgynous persona. I am comfortable now, having men only as friends. I cannot imagine flirting, kissing and God forbid, anyone but me and my doctor, seeing me naked.

When I was single, immersed in the dance of finding boyfriends and husbands, emphasizing my sexuality was expected and condoned. I felt comfortable in this role and like most women, I was never more attractive (or thinner) than on my wedding day(s). I enjoyed being pursued and desired. But the feeling of desirability is long gone, a distant memory. Mothering and sensuality seemed antithetical. Mothers are meant to be available – perpetually opened armed with a ready lap: soothing, encouraging, nurturing…the antithesis of alluring. 

How am I ever going to find the other woman inside of me? I’m not a mother of young children any longer but neither am I The Other Woman! I’m definitely Between 2 Marys, in some androgynous zone of ambiguity. Perhaps the extreme duality of the whore/madonna can be tempered, even though centuries of history seem to indicate otherwise. In 16th Century Venice for example, this Italian city was founded in the myth of Venus rising from the sea. Two iconic yet disparate images of the goddess Venus reflected the mores of Venice; one goddess image is the pure and inviolate virgin, the other, its antithesis, the licentious goddess…seeker of pleasure and love. In viewing paintings of the disparate goddesses, the virgin is in white, alone or with angelic children, while the libidinous goddess is with a man, half-clothed,  the colour red prevalent!

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 Venetian women with a sizeable dowery, could marry a rich man. As his wife, the woman was a cloistered creature, without education or financial independence, her life being devoted entirely to home and family. Women without fortune chose to enter the convent  or to become a courtesan. But Venetian courtesans, unlike the wives, could mingle freely with the rich and famous and acquire an education and wealth of their own. They could  participate in literary, political and intellectual circles, publish any works, and importantly, all the sensual pleasures were available at her beckoning. Although the 16th Century Venetian courtesan lived a somewhat enviable lifestyle, this did not last. Religious zealots blamed the plague and war on the courtesans’ debauchery, and ended the delicate balance that allowed both sets of women to coexist.

 The polarity between the virtuous and the licentious became intensified. 500 years later and this tension still exists. Can a woman be compassionate and nurturing in ‘kick-ass’ high heels? Can a woman who enjoys a sensual life, have the respect of her society?

ASPIRATIONS FOR WEEK 15 OF 52

CHANGING FROM MOTHER MARY TO MARY MAGDALENE

Where to start on this? How to move out of my comfort zone of intellectualizing The Other Woman, and become her? As this Blog is an open forum, ideas are welcome!

I will share one step I have made…I purchased  a beautiful, deep pink lipstick…and I am wearing it! This colour is more bold than any I have worn in years… if I wore lipstick at all. I feel good applying it to my lips. It certainly makes me more visible.

But most importantly, I must once again, see men as more than friends…I can barely type I am so nervous. I’m afraid of what I might commit to in my zeal to finish this post. I am driving back to BC and am scrambling to pack and schlep my stuff down the 3 flights of stairs.(not complaining too loudly dear daughter who has taken her Mother in).

See how quickly I can avoid the subject at hand!

Here goes…for Week 15 of 52 in my desire to move from the Mother Mary to Mary Magdalene, I will create a profile of myself and post it on a singles dating website. ARGHHH…

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Categories infidelity, love, Mary Magdalene, the other woman, transformation

Week 14 of 52 Changing from Self-Abasement to Self-Congratulations

October 8, 2012 //
2

REFLECTIONS:

Freeing yourself was one thing; claiming ownership of that freed self was another.

Toni Morrison

Thanksgiving is upon me and this year I will do something different. Typically, the day has meant a feast of food with family and friends, with a cursory nod to gratitude. This October, I am on a liver cleanse and by myself, so overeating rich food and enjoying the company of family and friends will not happen. So instead I will enjoy my own company and give thanks for my good fortune. Just as I was preparing to enumerate that for which I am grateful, I was interrupted by a knock at the door. As per usual on writing days, I was still in my PJS at noon…pretty ones (thanks to Blog Post #2), but PJS, none the less. Embracing the newly confident me, I strode to the front door and whisked it open! Look  what the universe delivered!

Much to Give Thanks For

2 handsome and helpful Firemen!

They wanted permission to inspect the house and surrounding yard in order to assign a ‘Home and Site’ Hazard Level. They were bearers of a warning. The home created by my husband and me over the last 20 years, currently has an extremely high hazard level. An unexpected spark would set everything ablaze and likely all would turn to ash. I wanted to ask how they knew transformation was upon this house and all who lived here, but instead  asked if I could take their picture for my Blog. 

This interruption gave me pause, and created a shift in the direction of my thoughts. Out of the fire rose the phoenix! It is time to recognize the changes I have made.  To acknowledge that which I have achieved. I have no problem in identifying my faults, my areas that still need ‘work’, but today I will begin to share a balanced view of my life.  It is time to give thanks to me for having worked hard to transform into a kinder, healthier, and more self-possessed woman. 

I have not lived in our home for 1 1/2 years, and am here now because my husband is away for the weekend. Alone, I can reminisce, reflect and rejoice! I am not the frightened and insecure woman that I was in 2004/2005. That was when I began the journey to become a woman who no longer felt fragmented, lost or unloved or expected her happiness to be the responsibility of her partner.

IMAGE FROM MY 2004/2005 JOURNAL – Titled  ‘Unloved and Unhappy’

UNLOVED and UNHAPPY

2ND IMAGE FROM MY 2004/2005 JOURNAL – Titled ‘Feeling Isolated and Lost’

FEELING ISOLATED AND LOST

My external life looked pretty perfect, even to me, in the years leading up to 2004. I had a very successful husband, and 2 beautiful and brilliant daughters. I had lived in Europe for 7 years and was now back in Western Canada living the life. I had had to give up my teaching career, due to the severity of my autoimmune disease, so I busied myself with three roles; that of wife/mother/volunteer. But by 2004, my journal entries, drawings and dreams, began to express my internal angst. My inner world was trying to crack open the perfect facade of my outer world. I would never say that the roles of wife, mother and volunteer prevented me from being the woman I was born to be, but they unwittingly provided a safe haven for a lost soul. At that point in my unfolding, I would have been at wits end without the many demands placed on me by family and various organizations. In being ‘busy’ and materially driven, I could attempt to avoid the calling from my soul. In fact my life became the picture perfect Graph, illustrating the concept of Inverse Proportions! The further I moved from addressing the needs of my heart and soul, the more stridently I carried out my tasks as wife/mother/volunteer. I had very clear ideas on how things should look, how people should act, and what goals everyone should aspire to.

The less I lived from my heart, the more I tried to control the lives of others.

Avoiding My Life Turned Me into an Exacting Commander

I could have continued to live the rest of my life like this, never bothering to delve below the pretty surface. Most people do. But instead I mustered up the courage and began the monumental and life altering journey to discover my soul’s desire. I became an adherent to the famous words of Socrates,”The unexamined life is not worth living.”

 It began with finding “A Room of One’s Own.” I needed space alone where I could sort through the web of my life. I was very fortunate in being able to buy a cottage on Vancouver Island, near the water, where the crash of waves could penetrate the seemingly impenetrable wall I had built around my heart and soul…where I could begin the process of extricating the real me from the image of me…where I could unearth the woman buried beneath illness, obligation, busyness and my persona of happiness. In the past 8 years I have transformed into a more self-possessed woman. I am not the lost, little girl alone on a couch. Nor am I overwhelmed by the world. I no longer feel the need to organize and control others. I feel safe in the unpredictability of life.

ASPIRATIONS FOR WEEK 14 OF 52

CHANGING FROM SELF-ABASEMENT TO SELF-CONGRATULATIONS

I am proud of myself. 5 words I believe to be true, but I rarely verbalize. So this day, the day of giving thanks, I want to thank me!

1. I want to thank me for having shown the courage of honesty … the courage to admit my character flaws and the courage to make amends to those I have hurt.

2. I want to thank me for spending 18 months on a raw food diet that included drinking 2 ounces of wheat grass daily, in hopes of creating a healthier body(drinking wheat grass takes real courage).

3. I want to thank me for overcoming virgivitiphobia, a fear of being raped, pillaged and killed on a nightly basis. I no longer sleep with all the lights on nor a knife. 

4. I want to thank me for having the courage to pursue a lifelong dream to be a writer. Me, who scored in the 10th percentile for spellers in Canada(meaning 90% of young Canadians were better spellers) Me, who achieved an ‘F’ on a University essay interpreting Shakespeare! Me, the Math and Statistics wizard,  a writer? Well I’ve done it! I invite all of you to attend my first Book Launch on November 21st in Qualicum Beach, BC. Copies of the book, The Memory Shop, are available for sale…really. Even I am incredulous!

I’m One of the Authors

 

So for Week 14 of 52, I will remember to present a balanced perspective of me! I will celebrate when I achieve success, when I do something that feeds my soul and warms my heart.

 

 

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Categories Jungian Analysis, love, the other woman, transformation, Uncategorized

Week 13 of 52 Changing from Needy to Self-Sufficient

October 1, 2012 //
2

REFLECTIONS

-the bloody stubbornness of getting

someone born.

Rowan Williamson, the Archbishop of Canterbury

Last week I laid to rest my loveless marriage. It now lies deep, at the bottom of a lake, absorbed into the surrounding beauty of trees, singing birds and majestic mountains. It will decompose, change shape and one day, become part of something new. And after this burial, I sat and wept the cold, cold tears of grief. I didn’t stifle my sound, nor care about how I appeared… for once I let myself sink deep into the sorrow of my unfulfilled dreams, sink deep into the agony at the loss of the husband I love. I had to surrender to what is, and not continue to cling to my desire for the life I had planned. I have had to feel and observe the unsightliness of death.

It does me no good to choke back my tears nor numb my pain with alcohol or food. That just postpones what is inevitable. As I young child I cried openly, whenever I saw injustice, but by age 10, I cried alone… hidden from the ridicule of older brothers and the judgement of parents. I’ve had to relearn the cry of the soul. The cry that mourns the injustices of life, the cry that rejoices at the  miraculous…the cry of an unencumbered child, who breaks into sobs when a robin crashes into a window and drops to the pavement below. The cry of the soul is different from the cry of the child in the supermarket desiring candy, or the cry I had when my beautiful Italian candlestick broke into pieces. These tears are rooted in the desire of the known, the tangible, the material world. This cry is more temper than soul. This cry will not see the heaving chest nor the sobs that interfere with breathing, leaving the crier gasping for air.

But my cry at the shores of the lake was the cry of a broken heart. It was the cry of the soul, the cry for which there is no consolation. It was the cry of me surrendering.

THE WEEPING OF SURRENDER

This week, Week 13 of 52, marks the 1/4 point of my year long project of my transformation into The Other Woman. It’s fitting that I am at the point of surrender. I’m surrendering to what never was… I’m surrendering to what never will be…and I’m  surrendering to what is. I have felt relief after this week of soulful tears. And every time I chastise myself for not surrendering sooner, I remember that I had to be strong enough to bear the weight of such a staggering grief.

In the deeply felt experience of grief, I acknowledged the finality of my dream. Gone is the dream that one day he will gaze into my eyes and say, “I love you!” and I will feel the truth of these words. Gone is the dream to walk through the streets of Europe, hand in hand, sharing our observations, our humour. Gone is the dream to grow old together, watching the next generations as they stumble upon life and love. Gone is the dream to lie side by side after death, entering the realm of the unknown, somehow together. What’s done is done. What’s gone is gone.

goodbye

ASPIRATIONS FOR WEEK 13 OF 52

CHANGING FROM NEEDY TO SELF-SUFFICIENT

Last week I believed to be true, that which I have most dreaded. My husband doesn’t love me. In a tyrannical rage, I have hurled this accusation at him countless times, praying he would refute it, being mollified when he did. Thus was the collusion of our marriage. Ending this collusive agreement, meant facing the truth of what is. It meant pain, upheaval, loss and eventually, maybe, transformation.

In the hopes of becoming The Other Woman, I have been dissecting my notions of love. Not agape, the diffused love and good will towards all humanity, but the love shown towards one man or one woman, at close range. I believe all humans need love, but how is this need for love different from being needy. When I met with my husband a few days ago, I timidly said my mantra of the week, “You don’t love me.” Having only ever yelled these words, I wanted to experience the impact of just saying them.

(BTW A mantra is a collection of words that is considered capable of creating transformation)

Unexpected Dialogue #1

Me: You don’t love me.

Him: Do you think that was love you showed me or just behaviour born out of your neediness?

Me: (demoralized) Good point, maybe you are right – my sacrifices and thoughtfulness, and the love I felt for you existed just because I was in desperate need of your love. Hmmm, maybe that isn’t really love. sigh

…some silence…followed by a heightened alertness in the core of my body…leading to a surge of anger which resulted in assertive behaviour in defence of myself…

Me: Yes, I was needy and I was loving. I can see now that a person can be both. But my neediness blinded me to the fact that you refused to share your heart with me.

Unexpected Dialogue #2

Him: But I gave to you! I cared about you! Don’t you see that as a manifestation of love. Isn’t this what you just said you did? What you gave to me?

Me: (not quite as demoralized)You did give to me …but you gave material goods; a beautiful home, exotic trips, a BMW, a Rolex watch, an Armani suit to name but a few. There is an element of control though, in materialism. You decide how many dollars you want to spend and when you will give. But in a gesture of open-hearted love, the giving comes from a different source. Through your open heart, you access the unified field of infinite energy. So a gesture of love that costs nothing from your wallet, becomes a source of ever replenishing joy, inspiration and fulfillment. This priceless gift, I never received from you.

Him: You are right, I never gave you that. 

Finally I spoke from my heart, without rage or self pity. I spoke clearly about my experience of not being loved, without regret or expectation. I also accepted that having love in my heart for him, is not a guarantee of reciprocity. And in fact, such a belief can eventually contaminate the purest of loves.

So for Week 13 of 52, I will be receptive to love while I learn the art of being self-possessed, remembering that a needy woman is a blind woman.

A Needy Woman is a Blind Woman

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Categories childhood, infidelity, love, transformation
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