“You Fill Up My Senses”

-John Denver


Last week’s post was slow to arrive; neither ideas, feelings or thoughts would flow. I wrote all of it in bed, sneezing and coughing. I felt forlorn and dispirited, and questioned the value of my Blog. I had an ugly warty troll under my bridge, frightening me with his threats to devour me if I dare cross to the new experience on the other side. And just as in the Norwegian Fairy Tale, “Three Billy Goats Gruff”, I had to muster up my strong, confident self, and knock my troll/fear into submission, allowing me to cross and see what lay before me to discover.

Fearing the Troll beneath the Bridge

The first glimmer of the new, came from a snippet in a dream image. I love the directives I receive from out and beyond my perceivable world, from the magnificence of the Unified Field. In this image, I glimpsed a sensual me, wearing a flowing, beautifully textured dress in hues of subdued yet vibrant colour. I scoffed when I awoke(troll still present) saying this will never be me…I will never find The Otherness of my Femininity, the mysterious, the sensual. I will always wear pants and shades of black. Over the next days the image would not leave my mind, so I began to turn towards it, giving it permission to surface from my unconscious. This process of letting a repressed feeling up is always patience ( I was planning to write the word painful, but today my writing is being interrupted by events beyond my control and I was asking for patience as I was writing…Freudian Slips as I write) Repressed feelings, as they are allowed to surface, create pain. Understandably, I will avoid pain if I can, but I have had enough examples to believe that under the pain, lies an authentic but repressed aspect of myself. So some days later, I had the urge to create a collage. I chose my most soulful piece of music and began to cut out images and words that attracted me.

Below is the music I listened to… Pablo Casals playing “El Cant Dels Ocells” , the “Bird Song”

This is the collage I created. I called it Duets-Touch Women Touch Men

Duets-Touch Women Touch Men

Clearly a shift in my sensibility. No residue of Mother Mary in this collage. No sense of a woman contained. And what else? The presence of men! I am thrilled at this shift, and can’t help but wonder why I would ever repress such power and passion. Today, I have no clear understanding, but I am glad that I took the plunge into the abyss of the unconscious.

After completing this collage I went for a walk along the shoreline near my home. In the cacophony of bird song, I took 2 photos. The first half of my walk, I was shadowed by a pair of Trumpeter Swans, who swam throughout the harbour side by side, eating plants while ‘talking’ to each other…a breathtaking scene as I contemplated the power of my collage.

Blissful Love

After 30 minutes of watching these love birds, while imagining myself in such a perfect pairing, I was startled out of my reverie by another bird, a Canadian Goose. This bird was alone and seemingly in distress. It took some time for me to realize, in horror, the cruelty of her injury.

Injured Canada Goose

An arrow through her foot. I vacillated between feeling useless and feeling enraged. There was nothing I could do to alleviate the pain inflicted on her by some mindless human. I called Mountainaire Avian Rescue, but do not know the goose’s fate.

Emotional swings and roundabouts…both bird species are loyal mates…first a reverie of true love…then an abrupt and rude awakening…this poor goose brought to a screeching standstill by an arrow through her foot…with her beloved no more. Symbolically, the tragedy of the pierced Canada Goose, brings to mind the ‘not so beautiful’ aspects of a loving relationship…the misuse or disuse of love…the dereliction of loyalty or devotion…the psychological warts, inadequacies and misunderstandings…every relationship has some less than lovely attributes.

Bringing to mind Hamlet’s famous soliloquy:

To be, or not to be: that is the question:

Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer

The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune

Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,

And by opposing end them?—To die,—to sleep

No more; and by a sleep to say we end

The heartache, and the thousand natural shocks

That flesh is heir to,

To be, in my mind, echoes all the proponents of  “living in the moment’. Not to be, is slipping into unconsciousness, through alcohol, food, or British Mystery Series. So I can avoid love and instead fill my life with distractions, or I can choose love, expecting to encounter from time to time, love’s not-so-beautiful aspects.



Not only did I wake up singing Thursday morning, I was singing ‘Annie’s Song’, by John Denver.  

You fill up my senses

Like a night in a forest

Like the mountains in springtime

Like a walk in the rain

Like a storm in the desert

Like a sleepy blue ocean

You fill up my senses

Come fill me again

 And then I remembered…D. I had seen him the previous evening. Zowie! When I closed my eyes to focus on this rich sensation, the intensity created a bit of a swoon…

During my visit though, I felt an inward shift from Mary Magdalene to Mother Mary when his daughter appeared. Not only is this my most comfortable essence, I felt this appropriate. The problem was that I could not shift out of nurturing Mother. Then in driving to a nearby restaurant, I shifted into BORING WIFE. ARRRRRGH. At the time I was not aware of what had happened, just that I felt as though someone had taken a remote device and hit mute… anesthetizing my emotions. I wasn’t even Between2Marys…I had descended into the benumbing hell of a passionless existence.

So for Week 21 of 52 I will remember that my lipstick is red…reminding me to allow the intensity of emotions to thrive within me, rather than impeding their expression… leaving me in a safe but hellishly sterile stupor.

Live in Creativity-let passion soar