Your vision will become clear when you look into your heart. 

-Carl Jung

REFLECTIONS

Pure will has been my power source for decades. Pure desire is beginning to move me now. Both energy sources got me up the hill in preparation for the climb to Wilcox Pass in June, but joy accompanied desire, while pride accompanied will. In the recent longing to regain my physical life, I am more aware of the battle between desire and will. Below is a description of my ‘workout’ with will as the impetus. Further down, is a description of my blissful encounter with my soul as I climbed the heights to St. Mary’s Cemetery.

WORKOUTS – WILL as IMPETUS

The Agony of a Willful Workout!

The Agony of a Willful Workout!

Mind centres in on goal. I must get in shape if I plan to climb the pass…I had better get out of bed and do some warm-up exercises…I must find that list from the physiotherapist…Better get my food plan in order…no fat no sugar no cheese no bread no wine …Come on-get going-before you loose your nerve. Once outside I struck the pose of the serious Power Walker…forceful stride with arms swinging wildly…down the road, up the hill, barking in my own head like a drill sergeant from the army…HARDER FASTER…DON’T GIVE IN TO WEAKNESS. At the end of this will-driven workout, I found myself standing in front of a wall of candy at Shoppers Drug Mart. I wanted to comfort my broken spirit, which had been at the mercy of the chastising Internalized Critical Parent throughout walk.

Wall of Sedating Candy

Wall of Sedating Candy

PARENTAL LOOK OF DISDAIN SEPARATES MY MIND FROM MY BODY

My Internalized Parental Critic

My Internalized Parental Critic

Whatever my Mother ‘s rationalization, she motivated me to be productive with her withering looks of disapproval. This resulted in me bypassing my heartfelt desires in lieu of actions that would be given her ‘nod’ of approval…forcing me into my mind, and out of my heart in the decision making process. I grew into an adult, severed from my body, where gut instinct and heartfelt desires reside. I have made choices based on what made sense, was practical and acceptable to others. THIS WAY OF LIFE IS DEATH TO THE SPIRIT, THE SOUL. A person begins to act like an automaton, fulfilling the commands and wishes of another.

Unfortunately, I parented my children, as I was parented. I provided their material needs, but was oblivious to their hearts and true nature. I never acknowledged that within their souls, even as young children, they had their own wants, wishes and desires. CHILDREN are NOT a BLANK CANVAS onto which we paint the life they are going to live. I was incapable of seeing in them what I could not see in myself. So only now as I awaken to my inner truth, do I see the REAL person that resides in my children. As I re-parent myself, I too must re-parent them.

WORKOUTS – DESIRE as IMPETUS

On a different morning than the one above, I awoke to the sound of happily chatting people in the stairwell. I connected to the joy they were sharing as I felt my own tingle of excitement at being included in the Wilcox Pass Hiking Group. I rose  from bed, feeling refreshed, and connected with the Unified Field through meditation and Chi Kung. After a delicious and nutritious Green Smoothie, I donned my hiking boots and walked out the door in search of a hill in my daughter’s neighborhood. I felt a joyous connection with the Unified Field, and deep gratitude for being healthy enough to climb a hill. Along my journey that morning, I photographed so many wonderful signs/symbols of inspiration. First the sticker on a lamp pole that said “LOVE FEAR”. This idea resonated because fear always brings me into the moment, my body and an awareness that I have a deep but daunting desire before me. Once atop the hill, I enjoyed Calgary’s skyline, seen from a newly discovered perspective, a mere 5 minutes from my daughter’s door…and then my namesake(Between2Marys) Cemetery – St. Mary’s Cemetery. Spring is a time when conditions in nature are such that the ‘Seeds of Hope’ that have been lying dormant for 6 months, begin their search for nutrients. The psychic death and resurrection cycle of life.

Will versus Desire

The same walk, but with different sources of motivation, was experientially distinct. When in line with my heart’s desire, I felt in tune with nature, fellow walkers, and I walked with a sensation of joy. A congruence existed that connected me to a source of energy that seemed infinite. I felt I could go on forever. Nor did I end up staring at a wall of candy, in need of sugar sedation. In my willful walk, where I heard a string of internal “SHOULDS”, I felt frustration with people who were in my way and it seemed that every sidewalk was under repair and the weather was windy and cold and I was so in my head that I got lost. Out of sorts by the end of this ‘workout’, I needed sugar for psychic sedation.

The same walk…one resonating with my soul, the other not. I want to live my life in response to desires that reside in my heart, making choices that nourish me and those influenced by my choices. This is conscious choice making as opposed to being driven by my unconscious complexes…

ASPIRATIONS FOR WEEK 39 OF 52

WILL VERSUS DESIRE – REPARENTING MYSELF AND MY CHILDREN

As I look into the eyes of my children now, and see their emotion, I realize I spent most of their life trying to talk them out of what they said they felt…from “Don’t be silly, there’s no reason to feel afraid, angry, sad, upset, frustrated etc.” to ” Give it time, you’ll soon enjoy that teacher, activity, classmate, school, city, sibling, step-parent etc.” I never legitimized anything they felt and instead expected their total compliance with me. As I learn to listen to my true voice, and not the internalized ‘should’ voice, I  can now hear the true voice of my children. It is taking some time to garner their trust, as they are wary of the many tactics I used to “bring them to their senses!” This expression, as employed by me, did the exact opposite. My edict was that they should ignore what they sensed and felt, and instead adopt what I said they should feel. I tried to separate them from their most instinctual, natural selves.

The Inner Child – Buried but Not Dead

My final photo , also taken on the uplifting walk, is a memorial to The Unborn. For me, this is symbolic of the inner child that is buried but is not dead. This Inner Child requires the simple freedom to express itself, in hopes of engaging in a heart felt life, rather than having to live out the dreams, hopes and wishes of others. Spring gives us all the opportunity to give life to our Inner Child…to identify and pursue those dreams we have buried, thinking we are either too old, too dumb, too poor, too out of shape or too unattractive to bother.

A Memorial to the Buried but not Dead Inner Child

A Memorial to the Buried but not Dead Inner Child

As a tribute to 

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