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Week 39 of 52 Will versus Desire – Reparenting Myself and My Children

April 1, 2013 //
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 Your vision will become clear when you look into your heart. 

-Carl Jung

REFLECTIONS

Pure will has been my power source for decades. Pure desire is beginning to move me now. Both energy sources got me up the hill in preparation for the climb to Wilcox Pass in June, but joy accompanied desire, while pride accompanied will. In the recent longing to regain my physical life, I am more aware of the battle between desire and will. Below is a description of my ‘workout’ with will as the impetus. Further down, is a description of my blissful encounter with my soul as I climbed the heights to St. Mary’s Cemetery.

WORKOUTS – WILL as IMPETUS

The Agony of a Willful Workout!

The Agony of a Willful Workout!

Mind centres in on goal. I must get in shape if I plan to climb the pass…I had better get out of bed and do some warm-up exercises…I must find that list from the physiotherapist…Better get my food plan in order…no fat no sugar no cheese no bread no wine …Come on-get going-before you loose your nerve. Once outside I struck the pose of the serious Power Walker…forceful stride with arms swinging wildly…down the road, up the hill, barking in my own head like a drill sergeant from the army…HARDER FASTER…DON’T GIVE IN TO WEAKNESS. At the end of this will-driven workout, I found myself standing in front of a wall of candy at Shoppers Drug Mart. I wanted to comfort my broken spirit, which had been at the mercy of the chastising Internalized Critical Parent throughout walk.

Wall of Sedating Candy

Wall of Sedating Candy

PARENTAL LOOK OF DISDAIN SEPARATES MY MIND FROM MY BODY

My Internalized Parental Critic

My Internalized Parental Critic

Whatever my Mother ‘s rationalization, she motivated me to be productive with her withering looks of disapproval. This resulted in me bypassing my heartfelt desires in lieu of actions that would be given her ‘nod’ of approval…forcing me into my mind, and out of my heart in the decision making process. I grew into an adult, severed from my body, where gut instinct and heartfelt desires reside. I have made choices based on what made sense, was practical and acceptable to others. THIS WAY OF LIFE IS DEATH TO THE SPIRIT, THE SOUL. A person begins to act like an automaton, fulfilling the commands and wishes of another.

Unfortunately, I parented my children, as I was parented. I provided their material needs, but was oblivious to their hearts and true nature. I never acknowledged that within their souls, even as young children, they had their own wants, wishes and desires. CHILDREN are NOT a BLANK CANVAS onto which we paint the life they are going to live. I was incapable of seeing in them what I could not see in myself. So only now as I awaken to my inner truth, do I see the REAL person that resides in my children. As I re-parent myself, I too must re-parent them.

WORKOUTS – DESIRE as IMPETUS

On a different morning than the one above, I awoke to the sound of happily chatting people in the stairwell. I connected to the joy they were sharing as I felt my own tingle of excitement at being included in the Wilcox Pass Hiking Group. I rose  from bed, feeling refreshed, and connected with the Unified Field through meditation and Chi Kung. After a delicious and nutritious Green Smoothie, I donned my hiking boots and walked out the door in search of a hill in my daughter’s neighborhood. I felt a joyous connection with the Unified Field, and deep gratitude for being healthy enough to climb a hill. Along my journey that morning, I photographed so many wonderful signs/symbols of inspiration. First the sticker on a lamp pole that said “LOVE FEAR”. This idea resonated because fear always brings me into the moment, my body and an awareness that I have a deep but daunting desire before me. Once atop the hill, I enjoyed Calgary’s skyline, seen from a newly discovered perspective, a mere 5 minutes from my daughter’s door…and then my namesake(Between2Marys) Cemetery – St. Mary’s Cemetery. Spring is a time when conditions in nature are such that the ‘Seeds of Hope’ that have been lying dormant for 6 months, begin their search for nutrients. The psychic death and resurrection cycle of life.

LOVE FEAR
LOVE FEAR
My Walk with a View
Beautiful Statues
Mary
Between2Marys-site of death and resurrection

Will versus Desire

The same walk, but with different sources of motivation, was experientially distinct. When in line with my heart’s desire, I felt in tune with nature, fellow walkers, and I walked with a sensation of joy. A congruence existed that connected me to a source of energy that seemed infinite. I felt I could go on forever. Nor did I end up staring at a wall of candy, in need of sugar sedation. In my willful walk, where I heard a string of internal “SHOULDS”, I felt frustration with people who were in my way and it seemed that every sidewalk was under repair and the weather was windy and cold and I was so in my head that I got lost. Out of sorts by the end of this ‘workout’, I needed sugar for psychic sedation.

The same walk…one resonating with my soul, the other not. I want to live my life in response to desires that reside in my heart, making choices that nourish me and those influenced by my choices. This is conscious choice making as opposed to being driven by my unconscious complexes…

ASPIRATIONS FOR WEEK 39 OF 52

WILL VERSUS DESIRE – REPARENTING MYSELF AND MY CHILDREN

As I look into the eyes of my children now, and see their emotion, I realize I spent most of their life trying to talk them out of what they said they felt…from “Don’t be silly, there’s no reason to feel afraid, angry, sad, upset, frustrated etc.” to ” Give it time, you’ll soon enjoy that teacher, activity, classmate, school, city, sibling, step-parent etc.” I never legitimized anything they felt and instead expected their total compliance with me. As I learn to listen to my true voice, and not the internalized ‘should’ voice, I  can now hear the true voice of my children. It is taking some time to garner their trust, as they are wary of the many tactics I used to “bring them to their senses!” This expression, as employed by me, did the exact opposite. My edict was that they should ignore what they sensed and felt, and instead adopt what I said they should feel. I tried to separate them from their most instinctual, natural selves.

The Inner Child – Buried but Not Dead

My final photo , also taken on the uplifting walk, is a memorial to The Unborn. For me, this is symbolic of the inner child that is buried but is not dead. This Inner Child requires the simple freedom to express itself, in hopes of engaging in a heart felt life, rather than having to live out the dreams, hopes and wishes of others. Spring gives us all the opportunity to give life to our Inner Child…to identify and pursue those dreams we have buried, thinking we are either too old, too dumb, too poor, too out of shape or too unattractive to bother.

A Memorial to the Buried but not Dead Inner Child

A Memorial to the Buried but not Dead Inner Child

As a tribute to 

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Categories Conscious Creativity, Finding your Voice, Self Determining, the other woman, transformation

Week 38 of 52 Wilcox Pass-Dare An Arthritic Dream?

March 25, 2013 //
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I refuse to allow a disability to determine how I live my life.

I don’t mean to be reckless, but setting a goal that seems a bit daunting actually is very helpful towards recovery.

Christopher Reeve 

REFLECTIONS

I Didn't Want This!

I Didn’t Want This!

ANKYLOSING SPONDYLITIS – the terrifying diagnosis

In 1983,  my Rheumatologist insisted I get a Handicapped Parking Permit for my car. She said I had to face facts. “You have a very serious disease that is chronic, debilitating and progressively degenerative.” She might as well have punched me in the heart with her fist. In fact, as I force myself to write these words, I feel a band of pain tightening around my head, and my blood pressure rising. My recollection of the rest of her speech that day and at most visits over the next 25 years went something like the following…”Ankylosing Spondylitis… that’s your disease. It’s a form of arthritis that can make joints swell to hideous sizes, while depositing calcium that eventually fuses the bones into an immobile, non-functioning joint.”  She then listed associated illnesses that can accompany AS! She said I may get: iritis, dactylitis, enthesitis, psoriasis, ulcerative colitis and a few other ‘itises’ (itis means inflammation). Shocked, I quit listening and began to fantasize about the sedating sugary junk I would eat when I left her office. To jolt me back to the ugly picture she was painting, she would pull out a few photographs, and lay them before me on her desk. 

Supposedly, my decline was predictable. She showed me a photo similar to the one below and said in 30 years, I would walk with a cane. Although she cautioned, a wheelchair was sometimes necessary.

Ankylosing Spondylitis

Ankylosing Spondylitis

RECLAIMING MY PHYSICAL BODY

So here I am, 30 years later, daring to dream about climbing Wilcox Pass in late June, to celebrate the Summer Solstice. My joints are far from perfect, but I am not using a wheelchair or a cane and can finally walk up and down stairs like an adult, not a child learning to walk…right foot up on step, left foot up on same step…etc. The purpose  of The Other Woman Blog has been to reclaim my life; emotionally, spiritually and physically. 3/4 of the year completed and I feel ‘whole – hearted’ with a connection to God/Cosmic Consciousness/Unified Field. But I shudder with fear at the thought of reclaiming my physical life. So here is what I have done to help move me towards my dream!

1. On Thursday, March 21st, I allowed the desire to climb Wilcox Pass register in my heart, not dismissing it instantly as I would have done in the previous 30 years.

2. I then had 2 sleepless nights, as I registered the fear I felt in agreeing to participate in a hike well beyond my present physical ability.

3. At the Spring Equinox Workshop on Saturday, I created a doll symbolizing the rebirth of my physical self! She represents my deep desire to move with wild abandon, like a cougar in the woods. She is the life that resides within me already, waiting for the governing controls I have placed on her to be removed, SO SHE CAN DANCE!!

Doll Symbolizing New Physical Life
Imprisoned by Arthritis-will these boots reach Wilcox Pass?
Will This Ever Be Me?

 WHY I’M NOT DISABLED

 I am not disabled because I never believed I would be. Admittedly, I came very, very close to being crippled, but at some deep level of ‘knowing’, I felt I would find my way out of illness. I just needed someone else who believed I could make a difference in my health by healing my heart and my spirit. Of course this true healer is my Herbalist, Annette Bossert. Doctors are not educated to give credence to the power of belief. They observe a symptom, for example, a swollen knee, diagnose a disease and then offer a series of drugs, hoping the symptoms will be suppressed. And after many years of drug ‘therapy’ they suggest replacing the now non – functioning knee with a metal joint. This is not healing. A knee cannot be thought of as a flat tire. Nor would a flat tire improve if the car as a whole learned to express its feelings, or found loving occupants. The human body is not analogous to a machine. Car parts do break down, and the car as a whole is improved by a discrete repair or replacement. But the body is part of a synergistic whole, where emotional and spiritual experiences affect it, positively and negatively. Symptoms are meant to get our attention, to alert us to an imbalance, whether it’s emotional, physical or spiritual. It’s only since the Industrial Revolution that parallels were drawn between humans and machines!

If you click on the white sentence that follows, you will see an incredible 5 minute clip of Viktor Frankl describing the impact of our beliefs on an individual’s behaviour …Viktor Frankl talks about the power of belief!

ASPIRATIONS FOR WEEK 38 OF 52

WILCOX PASS – DARE AN ARTHRITIC DREAM?

As I connect with my physical self, accepting my deep desire to move in sport, dance and play, I imagine I will begin to experience new levels of physical joy. I imagine I will ride my bike again, kayak in the ocean again, and hike in the hills and mountains again! As I remove the mental and emotional barriers to this dream, opening my heart to any hurdles, my body will respond accordingly!

Dare to Dream
Jasper National Park
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Categories Arthritis, Creative Expression, GOD/Cosmic Consciousness, Having a Vision, Self Determining, the other woman, transformation, Wild Instinctual Woman

Week 35 of 52 Revisiting Black Madonna of Czestochowa

March 4, 2013 //
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The Black Madonna is a Mother who is aware of the hardships that happen to us, in and out of the dark of unknowing, unconsciousness, ignorance and innocence.

-Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes

REFLECTIONS

My daughter sent me a warning the other day. Her email’s subject said, “Mercury In Retrograde – Take Precautions.”

Mercury In Retrograde
REJOICE!

Trying to be a ‘cool’ mom, I glibly responded with, “I’m up there with Mercury, holding her hand, demonstrating retrograde behaviour at its finest.” I had always thought retrograde just meant regressive, but after a quick check with Merrian Webster I discovered to my ‘New Age’ delight that retrograde could also mean, moving contrary to a previous direction. Smugly, I thought to myself, “I’m not going backwards after all, I’m going in a new direction!” I immediately felt better about myself. In a typically self-satisfied, ‘I’ve got my karmic act together’, kind of ego – inflatedness, I decided I didn’t need to read the advice on successful navigation when Mercury is in retrograde, and began to answer emails. The wiser Universe immediately proved to me yet again, that my smugness will have me on my knees begging for a second chance to be a more humble person.

GETTING MY KARMIC COMEUPPANCE OR OWNING MY PROJECTIONS

Last fall, having joyfully participated in Deepak Chopra’s free 21 Day Meditation Challenge, I was sent his latest offer. Although similar in format, this time Deepak is teaming up with Oprah. Seeing the image of Oprah ‘hugging’ Deepak, I sent the photo below, along with a message to my daughter…(or so I thought it was sent to my daughter)…saying “Is Oprah Strangling Deepak?”  

She Who Laughs last, laughs Alone

But pesky Mercury had me click REPLY not FORWARD, so my message went right back to DEEPAK at the Chopra Institute. I only know this because of the reply I received from the Chopra Institute:

Your request (#48094) has been received and will be reviewed and replied to by our Help Desk staff within 24 business hours of receipt.

Needless to say, I never got a response from the Help Desk, as they probably realized I was beyond any help they could give me! I am writing about this for 2 reasons.

1) Don’t ignore warnings, especially those sent by your more intuitive children, who know your faults and foibles better than anyone.

 2) To share my experience of projection, a Jungian concept that defies comprehensible explanation, and continues to baffle me. But here goes.

In reality, I know nothing of the relationship between Oprah and Deepak. Therefore, my comment about Oprah having Deepak in a half nelson says everything about me…not Oprah. In a projection, I take an unacknowledged, unpleasant quality of my own and instead of owning up to it, I ‘see’ it in another person. In this particular projection, I don’t want to acknowledge my tyrannical tendencies with men, when I don’t get the love I want. I would rather believe and have others believe that I am always a loving woman, just unlucky in love. There is no grace or growth in the endless gossip and tittle-tattle of daily life. I apologize to you Oprah, for projecting my character flaw onto you.

SPENDING MONEY – THE COMPOSTER VERSUS  FACIAL SKIN REJUVENATION

The other day, I was simultaneously searching the net for the most efficacious compost system and the best facial skin rejuvenation technology.

Skin Rejuvenation
Garden Composter

I found experts on both, with whom I discussed my purchase options…and then I had to laugh! With one, the Jura garden composter, I am acknowledging the end of the life cycle…with the other I am fruitlessly clinging to a youth long gone. The juxtaposition of two such wildly opposing attitudes hoisted me onto the cross of indecision. On one side, if I purchase a composter for my new garden, I can contribute to the cycle of organic food feeding my body, creating a ‘natural beauty’. On the other side, if I have my face zapped with radio and light beams, I could create a new and improved me…or could I have both? Unable to decide, I went for a walk on the beach.

Treasures from My Beach
Broken Pottery from Japan
Purple Starfish
Broken yet still Beautiful
First Heron of Spring

BROKEN YET STILL BEAUTIFUL

Yesterday’s tide was extremely low which meant I could look for treasures in places usually under water…and there it is…the metaphor for uncovering the gems of the unconscious. Given the right conditions, new life manifests. This process needs the synchronistic collision of The Universe and an individual’s intention. The Universe provided the low tide, and I got my ‘imprisoned’ self out for a walk. Typically, I find 1 or 2 pieces of this coveted glass, but yesterday I found at least 50…turquoise, cobalt blue, green and yellow. Uncovering the gems hidden within our unconscious can be equally rewarding. Hidden in the dark swirl of fear, I can stand frozen…the pain of remaining in the place of suffering lays opposite to moving into an unknown world. Immobility over mundane real world dilemmas such as illustrated above(composter vs facial rejuvenation) happens similarly within our inner, psychic world. In both, we can hang frozen, hoisted on the cross of indecision, until we die, or surrender to the creation of a new and better life. The beautiful, broken beach glass that I had found in the past, was thus transformed by my dear friend, Colleen Belyea(This Little Bauble). Below are 2 examples of her creations.

Beach Glass Transformed
Beach Glass Transformed

Aspirations for Week 35 of 52

Revisiting Black Madonna of Czestochwa

In 1993, my 86 year old Aunty Mary visited me in Vienna. My middle name is Mary –  a tribute to het being surrogate mother to my mother. My maternal grandmother died in childbirth, leaving 7 children motherless. Aunty Mary and I planned a trip to Poland, our country of origin, so that we could visit Black Madonna of Czestochowa. Incomprehensibly, I was fascinated by her. Up until a couple of days ago, I have not thought much about Black Madonnas…also incomprehensible. But in reading Untie the Strong Woman by Clarissa Pinkola Estes, the journey into Poland came flooding back. Historians believe the Black Madonna of Czestochowa, may have been the table top used by the Holy Family. She may have been painted by Luke, the Apostle. Incredulously, this Black Madonna has several battle scars on her face, that have defied countless attempts at restoration! She is considered to be a warrior Madonna and a healer of the crippled, the harmed. Maybe it is she, who has been watching over me, helping me heal my crippled, arthritic body and broken heart.

So in honour of my Aunty Mary and Black Madonna of Czestochowa, I will leave my face to bear the scars of my hard won battles. Just as the beach glass is broken, but still beautiful, so too am I.

410px-Czestochowska[20]

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Categories Black Madonna, Conscious Creativity, Emotionally Unavailable Men, Finding your Voice, Having a Vision, Jungian Analysis, Self Determining, the other woman, transformation, VIRGO, Wild Instinctual Woman

Week 34 of 52 Cougar Mary – Is She Between the 2 Marys?

February 26, 2013 //
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The Face of Femininity

The Face of Femininity

“With the manipulation of abstract symbols, an artist can send you information without sound, change your feelings and,
sometimes, even beliefs. Artists convey the unspeakable.”
― Jonathan Culver

REFLECTIONS

All night long the seals barked outside my window. By clicking on the words Seal Barking you will be able to listen to what I heard…for 10 hours though.

Seal Barking

It was a full moon and the sky was clear. Magical by anyone’s standards, but I was trying to shut nature out. So now it’s Tuesday and my  post is late. I am arguing with myself. I vacillate between being a thinking person who talks about Spirit, and being a Spiritual person who thinks before talking. As I wrestle with this, my vision deteriorates…literally. I last went blind when my younger daughter left home for University, in 2009, leaving me lost and without a vision for my new life. I hang so steadfastly to my stances and beliefs on life, that my body gives me very real, unignorable symptoms…until my will breaks and I allow the transformation to occur.

This post jumps all over the place, reflecting my experience.

FEAR

I sat bolt upright in bed last Wednesday night, gripped by fear. It was 1:38 am. Breaking out in a cold sweat, with butterflies in my stomach, I held my breath, afraid of my own shadow.  Was I standing on the edge of a precipice? Or adrift in white water rapids approaching a waterfall? Was I being smothered by a boa? Or leeched of blood by a parasitic worm? Or was I just a crocus, braving a chilly spring day?

2 truths are apparent to me. I have periods of terror in my new life and the use of idioms and hackneyed cliches are inadequate and sound idiotic.

On Saturday, as I was getting ready to meet a new man whom I hoped might be emotionally available, I glanced outside at the tiny flowers in my garden, bravely pushing through the cold, damp earth to view the blue sky and feel the warmth of the day. This may seem odd, but I’ve taken to talking to my plants. I asked them if they felt fear when blossoming in February, when tomorrow might bring snow? Did they contemplate waiting for a month, when warmer weather would be a certainty? Wouldn’t it be more prudent, I suggested, to wait until all conditions for survival were perfect? And there it is! Nature as metaphor! Obviously, neither the tiny yellow flowers nor the purple, can think or feel or have a say in when they bloom. Some inner ‘knowing’ alerts these plants to begin their transformation from seed pod to bloom, intuiting conditions are ‘good enough’. This inner knowing must exist within me, but I forget to listen to this intuitive, spiritual guide, and get stuck in my mind that says “Better the devil you know…” 

NEW LIFE IN MY GARDEN

Hello Sun!
Instinct
Confidence

NEW MEN IN MY LIFE

My first encounter with this new man took place at a local coffee shop. I felt fairly confident in going to meet him as I had intuited from the previous 2 weeks of conversation on POF, that he was respectful and attentive. During our 3 hour date, C. remained alert and interested in me, even when I deliberately put him to the test, by acting like an Emotionally Unavailable Man…you know, talking on and on in a  self-centered monologue! His eyes did not glaze over once, nor did he interrupt or yawn. And in answer to those of you who suggested only homosexual men are Emotionally Available, I hope you are wrong! I thought C. was attractive, but not confident. Every day language works well in describing C.’s stylish shirt and jeans, but falls short when trying to describe his essence. Metaphors from nature might lend themselves more easily to concepts like vulnerability and fear by creating images that bypass the concretizing mind. I could describe him using sea-faring terms. ..he seemed recently set adrift from an ancient mooring. Although awakened by this sudden plunge into icy water, he feared he would sink into the depths of  the unknown and would much prefer a jaunty sail in a light wind. Hackneyed yes, but the imagery says more than a simple explanation could. For illustration purposes… C.’s long term relationship ended recently when his wife wanted a divorce… 

Below are some photos of my new garden. It is being built by Anthony, with assistance from Jane! 20 eagles were flying around the cottage as a seal had washed up on shore, a tantalizing, but tough skinned treat for the wildlife.

Jane gathering Driftwood for the Garden
Eagles Outside my Widow
Anthony Building My New Garden
Beautiful Beach

COUGAR MARY-  I am trying to understand her

Sightings of cougars are extremely rare, even when your back yard borders a cougar corridor as mine did in Bragg Creek. So having a cougar walk onto my deck(2008) AND tap on my window to get my attention is beyond explanation in our material world. Enter the world of Spirit, Myth or Fairy Tale and the significance of this event becomes more apparent. This cougar encounter was meant to remind me that I am a mammal, capable of discernment through intuition, instinct, touch, taste, smell and sight…not just my mind.

 I have had countless cougar dreams, in which I behave exactly as I did in my real life meeting. Enraged, I rant and wave my arms maniacally trying to frighten this intruding cougar, so that it will run away…like the cowardly cat I think it must be. Importantly though, on my deck and in all of my cougar dreams, the cougar is neither aggressive towards me nor frightened of me. Whether in real life or in my dreams, the cougar’s gaze towards me was the same. With her eyes never leaving my face, she beseeched me to settle within myself in order to hear her lessons. She is my wise teacher, attempting to bestow wisdom on a foolishly naive, and bewildered me …having faith that one day, I will open up to her and willingly see the beauty in her presence.

Aspirations for Week 34 of 52

Cougar Mary – Is She Between the 2 Marys?

Like a young cougar cub, learning through trial and error, I am beginning to claim my personal power, walking a solitary path into the heart of all that matters. I will trust my instinctual self knowing that when the weather changes, I can close my petals and find shelter behind a granite rock.

Taking Shelter in Inclement Weather

Taking Shelter in Inclement Weather

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Categories Conscious Creativity, Emotionally Unavailable Men, Having a Vision, Self Determining, the other woman, Wild Instinctual Woman
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