Week 32 of 52 Ending My Search for Emotionally Unavailable Men

February 11, 2013 //
5

CONFESSIONS…

OF AN EMOTIONALLY EAGER WOMAN…

For the past weeks I have been trying to make a list of qualities that I would want to see in a man with whom I might have a relationship. Nada Niets Nihil Null Nichts…the page remained blank! Pathetic…I chastised myself… how have you chosen your men in the past? How are you choosing men now? Based on what? Obviously, nothing conscious. And so my confession unfolds.

I Don't Know What I Love in a Man!

I Don’t Know What I Love in a Man!

3 months ago I went out with a man called K. Supposedly, I said, within minutes of sitting down, “I am emotionally available, but not physically.” I say supposedly because I cannot imagine ME saying anything so clear and honest. K told me the other day, that these words are akin to hearing 2 other ‘kiss of death’ expressions from women. ‘I really like you but’ … or ‘You remind me of my brother!’  He then said that after nursing his bruised ego for some weeks, he realized that he too wanted to be friends, and so asked me out in pursuit of friendship. Now, as mutually proclaimed BFFs, we can talk to each other about our forays into the dating world. When K asked me to identify the dominant characteristics of men I have loved, I did some Freudian ‘free association’, feeling K’s non-judgmental curiosity and acceptance of anything I would say.

I blurted out, “Men I love are good looking, intelligent and emotionally unavailable.” A little flummoxed by this list, I tried to recant it. But K laughed out loud and said this described him perfectly…making the point that nothing had really changed for me…I was still attracted to the same type. I replied that I could see his good looks and intelligence, but needed him to explain the typical behaviours of an emotionally unavailable man. He guffawed with incredulity,

K: “Don’t you read Cosmo or Chatelaine? Women are always complaining about emotionally unavailable men!  When you told me you were emotionally available, but not physically, what went through my mind was that most guys, including me, are the opposite…present in body, absent in heart!”

Emotionally Unavailable

Emotionally Unavailable

Between2Marys: “Wait a minute, are you saying that this is a ‘thing’, a documented Character Flaw?”

K:  “I’ll use my very Smart Phone and show you! AHA! 267 578 sites on topic in 0.1 seconds. I’ll read a few descriptions of Emotionally Unavailable Men(EUM) and Emotionally Eager Women(EEW) to see if you recognize your men and yourself, okay?”

K: An EUM will do any one(or a combination of)the following, rather than explore the emotional side of an issue:

K: He will give his woman the silent treatment or pretend to agree with her so she’ll leave him alone or constantly forget to do an agreed upon task or do it poorly or procrastinate on an infinite number of things or feign fatigue as soon as his woman sits down to ‘have a chat’ or he’ll have a temper outburst or become a workaholic or give undue attention to a hobby or a sport or hide in an addiction or the real kicker, talk endlessly about other women…his friends of course…

As K droned on, every word bombarding my heart, I began to retreat into my martini addled consciousness. I didn’t need to hear the characteristics of the EEW, because I have just spent the last 6 months on The Other Woman Blog, dissecting her every thought and behaviour, past and present.

I went home that night feeling disoriented and stupid. I have spent my entire life trying to ‘turn’ emotionally evasive men into emotionally available men…I never accepted I was interacting with emoticons …you know, when the man you are talking to lifts the corners of his mouth upwards to simulate a smile or widens his eyes to convince you he is listening.

My Men!

My Men!

Emotionally Eager Women attract Emotionally Unavailable Men…ARGHHHHHHHH And just as an aside, look at those acronyms. Could they be better? In response to my signature query, “How are you feeling, dear husband, boyfriend, lover, father…I would hear, “eh…um”(EUM). And, after discovering that I am known to psychologists around the world as an Emotionally Eager Woman, makes me say…eew(EEW).

After this revelation with K, I spent the next week dancing to wild music, while maniacally playing ‘air guitar’, as I screamed a barrage of expletives…doing a good imitation of an angry teen. For those of you who do not know, below is aYouTube video which you can watch by clicking the triangle in the middle of the picture!

All of this dancing released a surge of energy from the core of my body…a seismic event, a cataclysmic, life altering shift in perspective. The pressure between Something’s Gotta Give and As Good as it Gets finally burst.

The men in my life ‘gotta give’ and this is ‘as good as I’m gonna get’!

 WEEK 32 OF 52

ENDING MY SEARCH FOR EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE MEN

Here is my deepest confession, although it may be perfectly apparent to all of you. I have spent the last 6 months, ‘working on myself’, so that I MIGHT GET MY MAN…FINALLY…

But never again will I believe that desiring emotional involvement from my partner is wrong. Never again will I believe that if I improve just a bit more, he will turn to me and say with conviction, “I LOVE YOU!”

I will remember that he owns this problem! He has a character defect!

February is the month of love.  So if I can’t be with someone who loves me, I’ll love the one I’m with. And as I am alone, I will start by loving me! I’m going to buy chocolates and flowers for myself on Valentine’s Day!

I will never accept emotional ambiguity, from a man, again!

MY NEW THEME SONG!

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Categories Emotionally Unavailable Men, Finding your Voice, Having a Vision, love, the other woman, Wild Instinctual Woman

Week 31 of 52 Changing From Being Blind to Having My Vision (with men)

February 4, 2013 //
4

“The only thing worse than being blind is having sight but no vision.”

Helen Keller 

I felt like dancing in my house this morning so I found a Rock Station and started jumping around to Metallica, a ‘Heavy Thrash Metal’ band. I really missed out as a teenager! Surprisingly, I survived those awkward, angst filled years without Rock ‘n’ Roll. I stayed in the syrupy safe zone of Pop Music, singing along to The Monkeys and The Partridge Family. Remembering Gertrude Stein’s words that say ‘We are always the same age inside,’ I resurrected my teenage soul, and gave it A Whole Lotta Love!

Led Zeppelin vs The Monkeys-can you spot the difference? These are Video Clips from YouTube, so you can play them!

Contrasting the sound, lyrics and sensuality of Led Zeppelin versus The Monkeys, gave me some insight into the 2 extremes of teenage behaviour…sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll or Paul and Polly Perfect. A self-proclaimed nerd, I missed the entire Freedom of Speech Movement of the 60’s, along with the Counterculture Movement against middle class values of the ’70’s. Any veering towards a free thought in our house resulted in a calling in of the troops…I didn’t need the mace and guns of Kent State to tow the family line, we had Mom saying, “Just wait until your Father gets home”…this was not an idle threat.

My Theory on Why So Many Lack a Personal Vision

Children should progress from the total dependence of infancy into heathy independent thinking and feeling adults. Reactions from our parents to our tentative steps towards independence, create either confidence in our ability to be self-determining or shame. 99% of parents whoop it up at a child’s first step, a physical manifestation of independence, but smack that same child a year later when she/he says ‘NO’ or ‘MINE’ …a child’s first efforts at giving independent voice to their feelings. Such a swift and unexpected fall from grace. Throughout the ‘Wonderful Ones’ every smile, step and gesture is met with gushing parental pride…and then the dreaded ‘Terrible Twos’, when the miracle of free thought is so thoroughly unwelcome to parents. It would be the rare parent who proudly phoned Grandma at their child’s first utterance of ‘no!’ Why do we not see our children’s expressions of their wants, needs and desires as the first steps towards manifestation of a personally meaningful life…instead we reward children for being clone-like Mini Mes.

Parental Pride
Punished for having an Independent Feeling
Our Children as Extensions of Ourselves
I’m expressing My Deepest Desire, Mom
Van Gogh’s First Steps

How Defiance During the 2s and Teens Creates a Life Vision

The inherent fire I possessed to define my wants, wishes and needs, separate from my parents’ wants, wishes and needs, was swiftly doused. I was expected to ‘be good’, which meant, do as I was instructed. This resulted in the ‘perfect child’ syndrome. I was voted Best All Around Student in Grade 8, but this award should have been called Most Compliant Student. It would have been NORMAL at 2 and 13 to break a few rules and tick off a few people! Years of making mistakes and learning from these choices would have been essential in establishing MY identity. In not doing this I only developed physically. I was able to physically leave the safety of my parental home, as I had been encouraged to develop a highly functioning body. I was a trained figure skater and swimmer. But I was absolutely incapable of making choices that reflected my own needs, wishes and desires. Naturally, when someone else’s needs, wishes and desires were presented to me, I did what I had always done…I carried out their dreams.

In never feeling free to define my “NO”, my “YES ” meant nothing to me … it had no integrity because it was never my yes…it belonged to my parents…then my friends…then my boyfriends…then my husbands.

ASPIRATIONS FOR WEEK 31 OF 52

CHANGING FROM BEING BLIND TO HAVING MY VISION (with men)

This entire post was triggered by my reaction to loosing weight. When 10 pounds had fallen off, I did the unexpected…I began eating…see previous post. Being thin does not solve problems for me, as I thought when I wrote that post…it causes more. When I am thin, even old and thin, I attract male attention. The beauty of being Zaftig(curvy, voluptuous-one ‘hilarious’ reader asked me to include a glossary of terms for my posts) is that men don’t notice me, so therefore want nothing from me! Throughout my life, this inability to define my needs, wants and desires, left me open to fulfilling the desires of the men I met. I was not conscious of this. If at the tender age of 2, I was discouraged from giving voice to my desires, but instead fulfilled those of my parents, of course I lost the ability to discern whose needs I was meeting. No wonder I am afraid to re-enter the dating world. 

Below are some of the times I have said YES when I really meant NO

1. At 19, I said ‘YES’ to my Austrian boyfriend’s marriage proposal. He was the chef at the Banff Springs Hotel where I worked. I said ‘NO’ by leaving the engagement ring on his table, with an explanatory letter, while he was at work. I then boarded a train, with my packed trunk and escaped back to Winnipeg. He tracked me down 20 years later in Austria. He brought my letter with him, words underlined in red, wanting to hear my explanation face to face.

2. At 20, I said ‘YES’ to my next boyfriend’s wish to co-habitate. I said ‘NO’ by moving back to my parents’ house, on a monthly basis. This continued for 5 years.

3. At 25, I said ‘YES’ to the marriage proposal from my 1st husband. I said ‘NO’ by divorcing in 4 1/2 years.

4. At 32, I said ‘YES’ to my 2nd husband’s marriage proposal. This time my body said ‘NO’ by becoming so ill I had to take a disability leave from my career as a teacher.

So for Week 31 of 52, I will practise saying ‘YES’ and ‘NO’ to men…Consciously alert to the feelings in my gut and heart, I will be true to myself and therefore to them!

My Desires are Worthy!

My Desires are Worthy!

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Categories childhood, Finding your Voice, Having a Vision, love, Self Determining, the other woman, transformation

Week 30 of 52 Changing From Nag Hag to Self-Determining

January 28, 2013 //
2

This was another of our fears: that Life wouldn’t turn out to be like Literature. (or People Magazine)

Julian Barnes-Sense of an Ending

REFLECTIONS

No doubt, I am more comfortable being zaftig! 

Woman With Cat by Marie Fox
Book by Edward St. Paige

Last week’s post…debunking the myth of thin…created such anxiety that I did something I have not done in years. I bought a People Magazine and 2 of my favourite chocolate bars…simultaneously..never a good sign. In my attempt to dislodge the internalized belief that being thin solves all problems, I fell back into the illusory comfort of old habits. I found myself at the checkout stand, transfixed by air-brushed faces and bodies, fantasizing about movie sets, kisses from handsome leading men and living the ‘perfect’ life as a thin person…this soothing Utopian reverie begged to be continued, so I grabbed Jennifer Lopez’s latest cover spread, and plunked it down, right on top of my kale and swiss chard. Upon noticing an unacceptable gap in my grocery items, I asked the man behind me to ‘hang on’ while I frenziedly raced down the aisles on a quest for Green and Black’s 100 gram Almond Bars. Spiritual quest long forgotten, I was headed into regression…Thin IS in…stop trying to burst my long held belief system Between2Marys…

I Do Have Regrets!
I Do Have Regrets!
Yummmmm….

Sneaking my cache of mind numbing, soul destroying items past my nephew, and into my bedroom/writer’s haven/den of iniquity, turned me into James Bond. Crouched low, items tucked under my arm, I slunk out of the kitchen, swivelling my neck quickly to the left and then to the right being certain the coast was clear. Once a clear path was ascertained, I skulked down the hall and quietly shut my door. Chocolate and wine on my bedside table… JLo smiling up at me… I was set. I sighed with the knowledge that the next hour would be full of the magic of escapism at its finest.

Post Escapism Reckonings

Fresh off my sugar high and a little bit tipsy, but fully informed on JLo, I wondered why  I was afraid to debunk the ‘thin is power’ myth. Perhaps it was the rising fear I felt, knowing I would have to weather the discomfort of the void that is always created between letting go of a decades held cultural ‘truism’ and the formation of a new belief system…one that arises from within me, the newly awakening zaftig woman! Just like the anxiety that engulfs one’s stomach, when stepping from a train, over the emptiness of the dark rails beneath the platform, to solid, new ground, we all fear this gap. What if I loose my step and slip into the void, never to see the light of day!(translation: end up in an all white padded room receiving shock therapy)

The Void between the Known and Unknown

The Void between the Known and Unknown

 I’ve been here before. Most recently in letting go of my marriage. I felt intense fear when I walked away. What I had was not fulfilling, but it was better than absolute nothing…my fear of being alone was so palpable that I vacillated on making the decision for years. Personal growth never stops, and facing the void between the old and the new is still scary, but I have done this enough times now to have absolute faith that there ALWAYS is a safe platform on which to land. 

Confessions of a Nag Hag 

I wanted to believe that in being thin I would be in control. Controlling my body guaranteed control of my life. In being thin, the epitome of society’s muse, I would be so alluring to men, that I would be in control in the relationship, ensuring I would not be hurt. I think people attempt control of everyone and everything, not out of evil, but due to fear…fear of the unexpected…the unknown. In the rigidity that ensues from attempts at control, I assumed I would avoid being hurt, disappointed or betrayed. Intellectually I know this is not true…control of anything and anyone is an illusion…I can work towards fulfilling an intention, but outcome is determined by a myriad of variables. Trying to control people, including a man who may find me attractive, would be against his natural need to be self-determining, thus creating a dispirited man who responds by:

a)working very long hours

b)never loading the dishwasher adhering to the prescribed(by me)protocol

c)developing intermittent hearing loss ie. whenever I speak

d)surreptitiously glancing at EVERY attractive female…an action known to be my achilles heel

My Theory on Creating a Nag Hag

1.Obsessively, I attempt to elicit attention from my husband, by trying to be what I THINK he desires in a woman. I compulsively ask him how he is feeling…meaning how is he feeling about ME. Under my intense scrutiny of his every movement and emotion, he withdraws in near imperceptible increments(hoping I won’t notice and ‘start up’ my tirade) until our communication is reduced to 4 word texts.

2.His perceptible withdrawal makes me even more bitter and indignant. After all I’ve given him, contorting my mind, body and soul in an effort to please him…he has the nerve to withdraw…making me even more angry, yet determined to try harder to please him.    TaDAH!!  The Uber Nag Hag is born!

My NagHag antics and his withdrawal left us both dispirited. Not only did my body and personality contortions fail to elicit the desired attention from my husband, in the process of being someone externally defined, I undermined my self-confidence, my self-direction, and my self-determination. I will never feel fulfilled until I have the courage to give voice to my own desires, and then allow a man to choose to fulfill them.

Nag Hag
Woman Invaded by Nag Hag
Nag Hag

ASPIRATIONS FOR WEEK 30 OF 52

CHANGING FROM NAGHAG TO SELF-DETERMINING

I have had fun writing this week’s post. I feel clearer on my part in the dissolution of my marriage. It is so easy to blame the person who ‘acts out’, who breaks the marriage vows, as my husband did, but a marriage is a dynamic, and true healing, for both of us, can only occur when I recognize and acknowledge the part I played. So for Week 30 of 52, I will continue to give voice to my desires, having faith that in this world of abundance, I will find fulfillment!

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Categories Self Determining, the other woman, transformation, Wild Instinctual Woman

Week 29 of 52 Changing the Thin Myth

January 21, 2013 //
1

“For too many centuries women have been being muses to artists. I wanted to be the muse, I wanted to be the wife of the artist, but I was really trying to avoid the final issue — that I had to do the job myself.”

― Anaïs Nin

REFLECTIONS

When a culture defines the ideal woman in relation to how men react in her presence, it leaves a woman more interested in her reflection than her heart’s desire.

How Am I Perceived?
Am I Lovable?
Under the Gaze of Men
Self-Conscious Beauty

This thought has been formulating for months as I wrestled with the history of my interactions with men. I’ve rewritten today’s post several times, as I struggled to uncover and then articulate some very embedded notions to which I have adhered, concerning females and their perceived success. This discussion necessitates an examination of the interplay between power and beauty, between being desirable rather than being known and loved.

BODY DYSMORPHIA-IMAGINED UGLINESS

I have observed in myself and most women that I know, a disparity between how we appear to others and how we feel about our selves, deep inside. When I look back at photos of myself, whether I’m in my 20’s, 30’s or 40’s, I see an attractive woman…but in those decades I never, ever feel pretty enough, thin enough or demure enough. In sharp contrast,  I always felt intelligent enough and successful enough. I had a very realistic grasp of my intellectual strengths and weaknesses and made career choices based on this knowledge. Why did I have intense self-consciousness and NO objectivity around my appearance? How is it that the feminist movement did not result in giving women freedom from obsessive attention to their looks? Women now have 3 areas to master…career, family and being thin.

Imagined Ugliness
Imagined Ugliness
Imagined Ugliness

ANOREXIC WOMAN-CHILD

I know the media plays a part by bombarding our senses with the anorexic woman-child, but I willingly participated. I remember making the conscious choice, as a ‘liberated woman’ to compliment my daughters on their intelligence and achievements, rather than their looks. This should have created young girls who found power in their own actions, but they observed me, their primary role model, spending significant time and money going to the gym, Weight Watchers, hair salons, beauty spas and cosmetic counters. Obviously children internalize the unspoken, the unwritten …the unconscious! I may have said “Follow your dreams. You can be anything you desire,” but the unspoken message was… as long as you are thin…because real feminine power resides in mastering your image…in controlling yourself so you will be desirable. Sure we have some examples of successful women who are not razor thin, like Oprah, but to be put on magazine covers, ad infinitum, you have to be thin. No wonder Oprah published her ‘O’wn magazine! Mirrors and cameras create an insidious, pervasive obsession with thinness, which leaves women less able to recognize their own desires.

Express Yourself O
Women’s Health-Loose More Fat
Notice the Food Never Enters Her Mouth!
Never Too Thin

EVALUATIONS BASED ON HOW ONE LOOKS

When I went on a raw food diet, in 2007, to alkalize my acidic body, I lost 50 pounds. Each time people saw me, their first words always were… “Oh, you’ve lost weight!” followed quickly by “How did you do it?”…from both men and women!  And no, I did not feel thin or pretty. One can only imagine then, me being a woman who is perpetually up and down the weight ladder, that when I had gained weight, their inner comments must have been, “Oh my God, she’s put on a few!” Our adherence to this societal ideal is so unconscious that we never question its ludicrousness. I paid lip service to the adage that being healthy is best, and all body types were equally beautiful, but in a politically correct world, what we think we should say is often not what we truly believe.

THE MUSE IN RELATIONSHIPS

I’ve spent the past 6 months in The Other Woman Blog, acknowledging a lifetime of insecurities, weaknesses and mis-steps, in hopes that I might uncover the part I played in having less than fulfilling relationships with men. I never realized the imprisoning consequences of desiring to be desired. In my 20’s, I was quite comfortable in the role of muse with men. I perfected the muse’s attributes in my first long term relationship. I was self-effacing, demure and attentive, while being oblivious to my own needs as a young woman. My desire to be desired was totally satisfied by the older, wealthy man with whom I was involved. But then I spent the next several years becoming educated and more comfortable in the world. This feminine passivity began to conflict with my need to be more self-determining. Unable though, to untangle this feminine issue, I ignored it while continuing to believe my unhappiness and lack of fulfilment were somehow connected to my less than perfect body. As though to make a cosmic point, my body became more and more disfigured with arthritis, eventually forcing me to unravel the Beauty Myth, and accept that I must become self-determining.

ASPIRATIONS FOR WEEK 29 OF 52

CHANGING THE THIN MYTH

As I begin to live my life from an authentic place, I feel quite confident and certain of my desires until I am out with a man. My role as muse is no longer an attractive option, but having only ever known how to relate to men from this vantage point, I sometimes find myself acting awkward and stilted. I navigated these waters successfully as a passive, self-effacing woman, but I’m at a loss in this new terrain. I’ve been watching French Movies to observe women being strong in the expression of their needs, wants and desires, as they interact with men.

So for Week 29 of 52, and the rest of the year, I will voice my desires, having faith that in doing so, I am not being pushy or demanding.

Sharing My Heart's Desires

Sharing My Heart’s Desires

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Categories Self Determining, the other woman, transformation
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