El duende is a moment charged with passion, and enveloped in grace. A mysterious power which everyone senses and no philosopher explains.
-Federico Garcia Lorca/Goethe
REFLECTIONS
Today, as I write in my daughter’s library, I sit at a desk surrounded by books. I know I’m in psychic trouble when the titles that grab my attention are ‘Escape’, ‘You Suck’ and ‘Lost’. I feel just like the bird I photographed the other evening. Every other goose knew the way to the Weaselhead Water Reservoir, but this lone bird stood lost and bewildered, on top of a condo complex. She stared in at me hoping I had the answers. The rest of her flock was relaxing after a hard day’s journey, swimming about in the gentle waves, enjoying the last warmth from the setting sun, soon to be nestled into the reeds for a restorative sleep. But not this bird…because she’s stuck on a cold, hard rooftop, forlorn and dispirited, thinking how did this happen? Just an hour ago I knew where I was and where I was going. What evil force has stolen my inspiration, my joy, my creative fire, my el duende? And it was at this point that I realized I wasn’t talking about the bird any longer, I was just identifying with it!
Please Help Me Find My Way!
In this state of mind, I sit on the couch and stare out the window, watching life pass me by. I am convinced that each person I see knows where their ‘water reservoir’ is…I’m certain I’m the only disquieted person on this street…probably the only lost person in this entire city. I’m the goose on the roof…separated from the flock of humanity, unable to find the necessary nourishment and restorative energy, enabling me to travel the next leg of my journey.
Dream Images – messages from my soul
This made no sense. Just last week I was thrilled with my life…joyfully writing, catching up with dear friends, walking the hills of Calgary and sharing wonderful moments with my family. But then I became aware of a presence …small at first, just a hint of darkness around my soul. Halfheartedly, I tried to stave off a reckoning with this negative force…British Mysteries, alcohol and carbs…but the pull into the dark abyss could not be avoided. For 5 nights I was bombarded by burdensome dreams of sinister men and dreams of a belittling father and dreams of emotionally absent lovers. Against my will, I was dragged from my creative and fulfilling life, by this Internal Predator. Held by his claws, I was lost, deep in the dark ugliness of his hell.
The Abduction of Persephone by Hades
I felt like Persephone when she was abducted by Hades, god of the underworld. Enveloped in a shroud of unworthiness, invisible to the men I have loved, I became immobilized. No longer did I want to climb Wilcox Pass, no longer did I care about my trip to Vienna. My feelings of unlovability were once again robbing me of my life force, my vitality. I came yet again, face to face with the damaging impact of the negative Father Complex…that now internalized belief that I am not worthy of a man’s love. In finding the hidden, but not lost dimensions of The Other Woman, I’ve had to descend into the depths of this wound. Only in peering into the raw and open sore, could I see what medicines might be necessary for healing. Can this ugliness be transformed into something beautiful, so that my life remains creative and joyful?
El Duende – Passion Born from an Imprisoned Soul
El Duende, the passion of flamenco, sprang from the souls of an imprisoned people. During the Spanish Inquisition, Moors, Gypsies and Jews were reviled or executed, if they refused to convert to Christianity. Finding refuge in the treacherous mountains, these desperate people would not be vanquished, and instead healed their ugly wounds with the playing, singing and dancing of flamenco. The destructive force of an oppressor, can also blow open a door for the imprisoned heart, giving new light and therefore life, to any damaged soul. Below is a short YouTube clip of one of the world’s best flamenco dancers, Carmen Amaya(1963).
Aspirations for Week 42 of 52
Overcoming the Destructiveness of the Father Complex
I would not want to give the impression that overcoming tyranny of any kind is easy. It is not quickly achieved, nor a straight path that can be mapped out or fully explained. It takes patience and courage, but can be done. I’ve found that any activity that lifts the tiny hair on the back of my neck, or creates a surge of energy from my heart, or leaves me feeling just a little more compassionate, helps to repair my psyche. By following my desire to live wholeheartedly, unearthing The Other Woman, I reconnect with my own el duende, this powerful passion, that is born out of encounters with the dark.
I loved my father so much. He was strong and capable of so many wonderful things. He gave us, his family, his very best and I know in my heart that he never meant to harm. He loved me as much as he could. It has been my job to fill the parts of my heart that became chipped and broken.
I loved my Dad and know only I can heal my chipped heart!
In doing this I will leave the dark and ugly underworld to reconnect with the playful, joyful Persephone, the creative artistic soul that resides in us all! And once again, I will throw my head back in laughter, knowing that life is rich with love and joy.
Between2Marys Laughing Once Again!
theotherwomanblog 
very powerful and raw and honest. nice writing is what comes from all this
Thank you!
Another sincere, meaningful post, Kathy!
And no, you are NOT the only one feeling disconnected, disoriented, somewhat off the path at times….I think after passing through these shadows, we can embrace the sunny sides of life even more!!
This was a hard week, but I am feeling the freedom in my soul from walking into the void of the father Complex!
Great post Kathy, very powerful. Are you going to Mae’s lecture April 26? Fits in nicely with your writings this week. Hope to see you there.
Cathy Illingworth
Thanks Cathy! Great seeing you last evening. The abyss is both a place of terror and the source of creativity!